Depressed 1

Jul 24, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Neopopem Of The Week July 24 through July 30th 2022

(Read More...)

Dying Tree

If you perchance go looking for me

You will find me under a dying tree

You will find me hanging around

About six feet above the ground

No one will miss me that I know

Nor understand why I had to go

Had a love I thought was true

She left me for someone I knew

The water that now does fall

Has no salt in it, no none at all

My heart from my chest was tore

Now I can feel pain no more

If you decide to cut me down

Bury me six feet underground

Where no one will ever find me

Buried beneath a dying tree

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Southwest United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allen Poe, Jim Morrison, Sylvia Plath

Comments

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 11 months ago

Nice work

You’re a good writer. It’s tough subject matter to critique. I’ll offer some in a few. I feel you. This is a really supportive community here. If you ever feel like writing isn’t enough and you need to talk, my inbox is open, I mean that. I’m not always on but I’m checking in every few hours. I’m glad you’re here sharing with us.

Now

My heart from my chest was tore(torn)

Now I can feel pain no more

So obviously “was tore” is incorrect grammatically, the reader knows what you mean.

One suggestion: just use torn. I think torn and more are a soft rhymes anyway.

Another:

My heart from my chest this tore

Now I can feel pain no more

Or:

My heart from my chest it tore

Now I can feel pain no more

You could also just leave it alone because it’s pretty damn good. Thanks for sharing your work here with us.

My inbox is open if you’re ever feeling down,
Tim

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Thanks

Thanks Tim I appreciate the offer and advice. I really do and I will keep it in mind.

Geezer

2 years 11 months ago

I am in agreement...

with Rosewood's assessment. This could use just a little bit of adjustment.
I would suggest:

My heart from chest is surely tore
And now, I feel the pain no more.

As always, our suggestions are purely that; suggestions, use them or not or even decide that you have come up with something better from something we've said. Good luck in the contest. ~ Geezer.
.,

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Thanks

Thanks for the suggestions. I just feel down sometimes and I feel that writing is the best way to let it out.

Candlewitch

2 years 11 months ago

hello,

I see that the top advisors are on the job! you've been given good advice. nice to meet you!

always, Cat

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Thanks Cat

Thanks Cat for the comment.

Obadiah Grey

2 years 11 months ago

Hiya, Dep 1..

Well, I guess you wrote this as a sort of cathartic salve,
again, well,,
you've happened upon a poetic turn!

May sound silly but it brought to mind the early folk lyrics of Woody Guthrie,
I'd just go with the flow but try not to make writing too exclusively personal.

Hope you stick around !!

Obi.

Depressed 1

2 years 11 months ago

Thanks

Thanks Obi. Actually I was thinking of folk music when I wrote this poem.

RoseBlack

2 years 11 months ago

Hi Depressed

Nicely written. It is an emotionally charged topic and I am glad you are comfortable enough with us to share. I will echo Tim's statement and my inbox is always open if you need someone to listen.