To Whom I Was

A letter to you,

Female of youth

Who hid inside the corners of my mind

Who believed Christ saw her as a ray of sunshine

Who had a been trying to tear away my gaze

From achieving “great” things

Tell me,

Did you ever imagine I’d break up with who I was for who I would be?

To say it’s not you but me would be redundant

But I cannot give a straight answer to your question

Why?

Why did I trade my teenage phase for academic acclaim?

I guess you could say I was reaching for a place

In this world

I guess you could say it’s because I was trying to be smarter than gender stereotypes of girls

But no matter the answer,

I know I hurt you with painful self-deprecation

I know I ignored you in the countless hours of work

That eventually you couldn’t take it anymore

When I accepted that award for highest standing

I felt you stepping down

I felt you walk away

I had to write thank-you letters for the bursaries I received

But this one is for you,

For me:

I’m sorry