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Aug 21, 2022
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NO ONE KNOWS MY PAIN
Darkness clustered around me
Moving forward was stalled
The shadows of yester years
still flourishing in my thoughts
My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again
My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again
My time ticks in displeasure
I'm disgruntled and bittered
I've inhaled the bad side of life
Who will amplify my life again
My joy is stifled, crushed and
halted by impending doom
The grim reaper raided us
and puts him on last rest
©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
RoseBlack
2 years 10 months ago
Hi Jack
Well done! I really liked this stanza and the reference to financial oxygen to bring your dream alive again:
My dream never came forth
It was strangled to death
I need a financial oxygen
to bring it back again
;
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Hi Rose !
Thanks so much for time spent and a nice comment.
.
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 10 months ago
Nice rhythm
It’s difficult feeling stuck. I like the way you’ve personified the death of your joy. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I do sense the “life goes on” undercurrent. To me at first layer it’s seems like you’re really just hurt and banging it out for catharsis. But when I read it again there isn’t any indication about giving up, contrary it is seeking to be rebuilt.
Nice job,
Tim
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Hi Tim!
Dear friend thank you for your genuine words of appreciation.
Rebuilding here; do you think it requires more stanzas?
How? Your opinion please . Thanks!
.
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 10 months ago
I don’t think it needs more
I have noticed an issue with verb tense.
My life is quite (diminished)
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again
Or
My days are quite diminishing
I have lost the zest of life
My life is a pungent taste
Who will flavour it again
Or
My days are self diminishing
The verb tense in the original actual works. But I think most of the stanza in past tense and diminishing is present tense.
That’s really the only thing I would play with. You used life twice in one stanza too so I used “my days” instead for variety.
Nice job,
Tim
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Done!
Thanks for keeping an eagle eye.
.
Jackweb
2 years 10 months ago
Good one!
I appreciate you so much. Suggestions taken!
Will change it later.
.