CCfire

Mar 27, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

for the birds (vignette)

seven small finches
~

breath on windows
spelled numbers cubed

tiny parts, tiny days
the song is tired he said

~
some days it can melt you
~

the way
light falls on
the inside of your arms
as you brush your hair
creates an ache for
parts of you
i do not know

i must be inspired
you stay

~
morning's purple
~

its torn, bloodied lip
motionless

and dawn ridicules us
clouds balance out color
before storms

~
crystallized
~

this is how shallow
a grave might be
when one cannot die

completely

then birds return
you find feathers
where the words fell

we are their
shattering

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is a vignette with the title between ~ ~ instead of using numbers, so each poem reads as one or is coupled with all of the vignettes together.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: [This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac

Comments

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

Very hard to crit this.

It is an excellent vignette, powerfully evocative. The lines-
morning's purple
~

its torn, bloodied lip
motionless

are bloody brilliant.

Now this is surely part of my warped visual imagination but-
why light rests the way you brush hair
inside arms, this ache for
parts of you i do not know

evokes for me an image of someone brushing their under-arm hair. Perhaps
why light rests the way you brush hair
could be slightly re-worded, or just some punctuation. Or perhaps ignore my twisted mind [grins].

Seriously though, this is a "trap for young players" when using enjambment, you've got to be careful where it is and where it isn't.

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks Jess

I have fiddled with that line for so long lol it became blurred, I know what I want I just can't get it..I like to leave them sometimes to sit and then it just appears and I think why didn't I think of that before..yes enjambment is still a thing I struggle with and I see your point. I will be editing this, glad you saw it the way it was bothering me too lol.

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

Ian, do us all a favour

and post this as a blog.
I'm about to make a formal request to the AEC to create a new Forum for informational pieces like you have been posting recently, they are invaluable and should be an immediate resource for all members.

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks mate.

I've asked the AEC to create a "Reference Forum". They will have a lot on their plate, as you can imagine, so it might not happen soon, but get ready to copy, or even combine and edit your blogs to post there.

The problem with blogs is they get lost in the streams of time, whereas Forums hang around.

I'm getting really excited about the opening of new Neopoet, I feel an increasing sense of unity of purpose and commitment to growth.

Blue_Halcyon

14 years 3 months ago

Arm pit hair!?!

Only Jess would come up with imagery like that in his head after reading that! (Probably because he is the poet most likely to write about arm pit hair.) HA!

I agree though, it is awkward.

Here's my suggestion for that bump in the road:

the way
glowing light falls on
the inside of your arms
as you brush your hair
creates this ache for
parts of you
i do not know

There's my two cents - maybe that will help steer you in the direction you're wanting to go with that section.

I found the imagery you used for the dawn interesting, as I was having similar thoughts about the sunset here yesterday. If only I could express my thoughts as eloquently as you do, I'd be a bit more pleased with my work. ;-)

weirdelf

14 years 3 months ago

ooo! that just inspired a poem!

http://new.neopoet.com/node/3244

Blue_Halcyon

14 years 3 months ago

Oh Lord

I'm the muse of the armpit! hahaha lol

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Wow

Thank you, that was inspired to rework that part that has given me grief and I hadn't considered actually revolving the entire three lines around like that but it certainly works much better. :)

Esker

14 years 3 months ago

linework

love the linework of your work
i remember joy in reading poetry
in old fashioned books
not the glowing screens
I remember turning pages
and finding passages
that would etch itself on
the plate of memory

thats passion
and thats what you write

thats what I feel in this

CCfire

14 years 3 months ago

Wow

I feel very humbled that someone of your ilk and work would say that, it's so very nice to be in a new community of poets that I feel give genuine comments and are not afraid to crit a work as well. Thank you so much for those comments.