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L
leoferaco
Nov 04, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week Contest October 30th to November 5th 2022

(Read More...)

sugar water

And she was, or was i
Hopeful enough to drink too much
Enough to grow a beard

And she was, or was i
Asking politely
If the driver would play her music

And she was, and she was, and she was

Or was i
A sort of gentleman
To hold your hand, but arise unknowing
Shrugging off a spotless mind

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Not actively editing

About the Author

Country/Region: Ontario

Favorite Poets: charles bokowski, sylvia plath , savannah brown, allen ginsberg

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

2 years 7 months ago

I'm...

not sure that I have the thought behind this one correct. I think what you are longing for is, a young and innocent love, one that hasn't been tainted by having loved or been loved before? Intriguing mood. ~ Geezer.
.

Mr joghe

Mr joghe

2 years 7 months ago

Nice write!

Nice write!
Love relies on feelings and actions. I think both of you didn't know the next junction to follow.
The feelings you have for each other is not strong, since you are doubtful.

L

leoferaco

2 years 7 months ago

Thank you, I'm glad you could

Thank you, I'm glad you could catch the hint of doubt in the poem. I've showed it to a few people and they interpreted differently than I intended but you seemed to get what I was initially going for haha.