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Nov 17, 2022
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Dream - Something you long for
Time is a great thief
Watch as it creeps into veins
Floods the bloodstream
Sucks a soul to a corpse
It has two steel legs
Hacking away at flesh
It is too cold, too unfeeling
To know its cruelty
It does not breathe
As you and I do
So it shreds unwittingly
It is a wheel
Turning and churning
It stops for no mortal
So when I sleep deathless dreams
I get on my skinned knees
And wish wish wish a dream
Of never-ending life
And oh what a dream it is.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Lavender
2 years 7 months ago
Dream
Hello, Abby,
A direct and sharp piece which sends a message that time can be cruel and punishing, and cold hearted. (If it were to have a heart.) Your last stanza is the strongest, for me. Longing for a dream of never-ending life is captivating, and your final line feels so different from the rest of the poem - very illusive. Perfect ending. Couple minor misspellings: theif / thief, it's /its.
Thank you!
Lavender
Abby
2 years 7 months ago
Thank you for the feedback!
Thank you for the feedback!
Seren
2 years 3 months ago
Dear Abby
This is the grind of time in words. I see nothing I'd change well done!!
So when I sleep deathless dreams
I get on my skinned knees
And wish wish wish a dream
Of never-ending life
And oh what a dream it is.
I really love the ending though. No matter how dark the world is there is always a light somewhere. Even in our dreams.
Kind Regards Jayne