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Dec 13, 2022
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My Spider Queen
The Spider weaves her silken web
In Palace gold
Or Garden Shed.
A thing of beauty to entice,
Trap a victim, man or mice.
And you my love, my spider fair
With arms so slim
And nails so bare
Are like the spider as you wait
To wrap a soul, to seal his fate.
To sink your fangs deep in his flesh
As he lies, helpless, in your mesh.
Life from his very soul you suck
Then cast him off, an empty husk.
And I, my love, my spider fair
Would willing come into your lair
Offer my naked breast to you.
Feel sharp white fangs pierce me through.
So to feel my life blood go
Between your moistened lips red flow
I weaken as I fill your maw,
My race is done, my soul is yours.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Lavender
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Hello, Alex,
Interesting and intriguing poem, dark and sly. Wonderful title which enhances the theme. The Queen certainly has her willing victim under her spell. Love can hurt. I wonder about the word "drill" - maybe "pierce" or something similar? It seems the wound entry would be smooth and slow, very calculated. Love the Palace Gold and Garden Shed reference.
Thank you!
L
Alex Tanner
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Hello Lavender. I did consider pierce at first but I wanted something that sounded perhaps nastier, more painful.
Alex
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 7 months ago
Excellent!
Title, language, theme, rhythm, rhyme, logic seems ok. Definitely a clear beginning and end. One could hardly hope for a more organized and flowing poem.
On a personal note I’ve been in relationships that felt like this and they weren’t the healthiest, as you might imagine.
Nice work
Tim
Alex Tanner
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Thank you Tim. I have also. Probably why it only took about (whisper it) ten minutes to write.
Alex
Geezer
2 years 7 months ago
Bloody good...
I would write the line: "As he lies helpless, in your mesh."
and "I weaken as my blood does pour."
Otherwise, a very well written piece. I love the dark feeling of it! ~ Geezer.
.
Alex Tanner
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Thanks Geez.
Alex
Jackweb
2 years 7 months ago
Fantastic!!!
What a lovely catchy title! The thoughts hit all the right notes, it is readily understood by all
and fits all the criteria for one of those AWESOME poems.
Here, I see a gem, that was cut and polished by hand and really
means something by virtue of the simplicity and honesty of it.
Well done!
.
Alex Tanner
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Thank you Jack. I greatly appreciate your comments.
Regards, Alex
cathy mccormick
2 years 7 months ago
i love dark poems. i wrote
i love dark poems. i wrote one called the spider's queen but not like this. in mine i am the queen the decider of life and death for the spiders i allow in one corner of the living room lol. love the poem but since you are using slant rhyme i would drop the inversion and not use it -change those lines maybe yyou can still find a slant rhyme to use at the end of the lines rather than using inversion to get it
Alex Tanner
2 years 7 months ago
My Spider Queen
Hello Cathy. Thank you for your advice. as a relative newcomer to poetry (A life in theatre though) many terms I am given I have to look up. I am always happy to take advice, as I was happy to take stage directions. I confess I don't always act on it.
I will always be pleased to listen to any comments you may make about works I submit.
Alex.