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Shelby Pryor
Shelby Pryor
Feb 05, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week February 5th to February 11th 2023

(Read More...)

Mind, Heart, and Soul

Success isn't just my hobby
It's infectious, it's my addiction
It isn't just a goal I have in mind
Success is a quest, it's a mission

I no longer say that I have dreams
Because dreams, they don't come true
Now I only admit to having goals
The outcome, which depends on you

You can't control what life throws you
Change the plan, but never the goal
Success takes not only endless effort
But passion in your Mind, Heart, your Soul

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

2 years 5 months ago

In the face...

of such good work, it may seem like
a little nit-picking to mention that the meter seems
a fraction off in a couple of lines, but I will point them out anyway.

I see that the line: "The outcome of which depends on you."
could be improved by deleting the word [of] and putting a comma
between outcome and which.

The other line is:"But passion in your Mind, Heart, and Soul"
Maybe say; But passion in your Mind, your Heart, your Soul.
I like the theme, the title is good and it starts well and flows smoothly to the end.
Nice job. ~ Geezer.
.

Rosewood Apothecary

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 5 months ago

Good looking

I’m always on the fence about the meter. Sometimes I feel like it needs to be just so and sometimes I like to let it float if it feels good. You’re great at that sort of stuff for sure. I’ve moved some things plenty of times based on your suggestions.

I actually didn’t catch these. Not enough coffee perhaps.

Tim

Shelby Pryor

Shelby Pryor

2 years 5 months ago

Geezer

You're right, I can see that now. Thank you so much for pointing that out. Thank you so much for the kind words, I really appreciate it!