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Feb 05, 2023
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The Killing Field Game
The one who kills is a demon in you
you have no soul nothing that makes
you, you.
You're nothing but a killer inside your head.
I can't wait till your demon is finally
dead.
So let's go off to the killing field
I'll make you hurt, I'll make you feel.
Let's make this a game just you and me
you go hide, I'll count 1,2,3
ready or not here I come
hide really good cause this
game has finally just
begun.
Who will win let's make it
a tie either one or both
can surely die.
This game we play will never
end till we're buried and
dust again.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Rosewood Apothecary
2 years 5 months ago
I’d love to hear you read this aloud
I think maybe it’s a bit more structured. Delivered as written it seems a bit disjointed, even for free verse. The theme is great though and there is a pretty prevalent rhyme pattern which would be obvious if we re arranged some things.
The one who kills
is a demon in you
you have no soul
nothing that makes you, you.
You're nothing but a killer
inside your head.
I can't wait
till your demon
is finally dead.
So let's go off
to the killing field
I'll make you hurt,
I'll make you feel.
Let's make this a game
just you and me
you go hide,
I'll count 1,2,3
ready or not
here I come
hide really good ‘cause this game
has finally just begun.
Who will win
let's make it a tie
either one or both
can surely die.
This game we play
will never end
‘til we're buried and
dust again.
I would play around with the last four lines of stanza 4. A quick lesson on colloquialism in writing. So I’m into folk writing quite a bit and because is never fully pronounced. In writing we show the reader these common speech variations with apostrophes.
because_’cause or ‘cuz
until _’til
Those I’ve corrected. In my re arrangement.
I’ve been following your work closely. I like your style and subject matter choices. I think you have nice complete thoughts on the page. My only critique would be format and some grammatical baloney which is more formality. I hope I haven’t over stepped.
Excellent
Tim
Heather Perry
2 years 5 months ago
Thank you
Thank you and no you haven't over stepped at all.