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Mar 10, 2023
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Okay
A drop of rain falls on my head
Watch silver moonlight dance through my curtain threads
I feel you smile, it echoes from a million miles away
A vast remembrance that everything around might be okay
A blissful evening, spent wandering the open plains
Taste for adventure, a blooming passion growing in my veins
Colour-filled canvases, each stroke so intricate, complete
The swirls surround me, eluding to the road that I might reach
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
2 years 4 months ago
Wow
Jackweb
2 years 4 months ago
Wow
This is a brilliant write! Well done!
I just observed this line:
Did you intend to write 'I feel (your smile)
or
I feel (you smile)
.
.
Rula
2 years 4 months ago
Wow
Rula
2 years 4 months ago
Wow
Geezer
2 years 4 months ago
There are...
too many words in this one for me.
You could do with fewer words and still have the sweeping
feeling of a blissful evening. My take on this peaceful, calm scene?
A drop of rain falls on my head
Silver moonlight dances on my curtain threads
I feel your smile echo from a million miles away
An calm, understanding that things may be okay
A blissful evening, spent wandering the open plains
Taste for adventure, passion growing in my veins
Colour-filled canvases, intricate strokes complete
Swirls surround me, [alluding] to roads I might reach
As always, these adaptations are yours to adopt or modify
or you may have some different ideas of your own.
~ Geezer.
.
Lavender
2 years 4 months ago
Okay
Hello, Flower Girl,
This is such a delightful poem - freeing, happy. And that smile that echoes from a million miles away is joyful! Very clever line! Because of these things I feel from this poem, I agree with Geezer. The extra words are a bit too heavy, holding the piece back from flowing in its whimsical way. Another suggestion here: I don't get the feeling things "might" or "may" be okay - it feels that they "will" be okay. (Actually, better than okay, but that's my interpretation. And a longer title.)
Enjoyed your poem!
L