(untitled)

I gazed, into her listless eyes
and saw the vacant haunting stare
the lilting echo of her cries
reverberates, though she's not there

I strained, to catch a fading glance
amidst the fogginess and haze
in hopes that faith maintained a chance
if only it could catch, her gaze

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Still unable to decide upon a title

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

hill

a great description of a coma or even death itself great job
Eddie
title suggestion; THE SILENT TEAR (OR CRY)

Race_9togo

14 years 3 months ago

Hello Hillrider,

Welcome to Neopoet.
I like this little poem of yours.
As a title, "Gazing" comes to mind.
As a criticism, I would say that in my opinion your use of commas is a little off. For example

"I gazed, into her listless eyes"

I would do this

"I gazed
into her listless eyes"

which produces the same effect, but without punctuation that can cause a break in the cadence of your poem.

Keep writing, this is good.

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Hill

I did not realize this is your first post, but jim did. So welcome to the land of the freed poets.

"When adversity befalls you, do like the mighty Bull. Charge!!" Jose de Diego

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Hi

I enjoyed this poem a lot, if this is an example of how good you are, your first post bodes well for future.

Lou

hillrider

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks everyone for commenting

hillrider