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Sep 03, 2023
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This poem is part of the challenge:
September 2023 Challenge Write about being invisible
When Stars No Longer Shower
Age, of course, is not about being old
or young.
It is about time measured.
My dad is eighty years old.
Old compared to what,
the universe,
God?
He does not think of himself as old
in the scheme of all things, but young.
Of course, in terms of human years
he would tell you he is old.
He is young at heart – trust me.
Being old seems to be like a nighttime sky
when there are clouds and stars
when elements you wish for
that would light up her eyes
and bring the victory home at last
that you truly share one loving
do not have time to appear
and you can only see clouds
or no longer see through your own eyes
and feel the disappointment,
what you now know as old.
When loving is old
the sky seems to be filled with clouds
and the magic of universal fireworks . . .
nothing but an idea you wish for.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Geezer
1 year 9 months ago
A couple of places...
in this piece, seem to bump along and give one pause for thought.
I would say that you don't need the [And] at the beginning of the seventh line.
The line makes the thought very clear without it.
The lines that go: "when there are [amounts] of clouds and stars" seems a little bit confusing.
I would say:
"When there are infinite stars,
elements that you wish for
that would light up her eyes
bringing home the victory at last
to one you share with loving.
When you see only clouds
and seeing through only their eyes
and feel the disappointment
and what you now know as old.
Of course, I may have changed the meaning of what you meant to say,
and if I did, feel free to ignore my advice and comments.
~ Geez.
.
Geezer
1 year 9 months ago
Best of...
what I got.
1] delete the [And]
2] "when there are clouds and stars [you don't need the word [amounts of].
3] "[o]f what you know as old."
~ Geez.
.
Lavender
1 year 9 months ago
When Stars No Longer Shower
Hello, Mark,
A bit of a short narrative poem, touching and sentimental. When reading, I hear the voice of Robert Redford narrating the final scene in "A River Runs Through It."
"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters."
This feeling is in your poem, but the reverence is to the vast sky, instead of the river.
Beautiful!
L
Geezer
1 year 9 months ago
Nice...
Glad you saw to use some of my comments. ~ Geez.
.
mark
9 months ago
I thank yous
Thanks so much. I deccided to bring this back geeze and Lav. Thanks for the advice Geeze. Lav, what a wonderful compliment, thanks.
Mark