Geezer

Oct 03, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week October 1st to October 7th 2023

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Tangling Web...

And in the tangled web he weaves
the spider sits so quietly
The victim strums a line that's tight
reflected in the little light

Now the struggle turns desperate
the spider has him in his net

Faced with doom, in the late night gloom
he plays dead, even though he dreads

The moth gone blind with so little light
carefully cuts the line that's tight

Powdered wings touch silken strings
and a secret of his power

He prefers to fly alone, to survey from his tower

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: New York State - USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Poe, Emily Dickenson, Robert Frost, Shakespeare, and many of the poets here at Neopoet.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

1 year 8 months ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Tangling Web..." is a vivid portrayal of a struggle for survival, using the metaphor of a spider and a moth. The imagery is clear and evocative, successfully painting a picture of the scene. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme. The first two stanzas follow an ABAB rhyme scheme, but this pattern is not maintained throughout the poem. Consistency in rhythm and rhyme can enhance the musicality of a poem and make it more engaging for the reader.

The line "Powdered wings, among other things" is somewhat ambiguous. If the intent was to create a sense of mystery, this line accomplishes that. However, if the goal was to convey specific information about the moth's capabilities or situation, it might be beneficial to provide more detail or clarity.

The final line "He prefers to fly alone, to survey from his tower" introduces a new element to the poem - the tower. If the tower is a significant symbol or metaphor, it would be helpful to introduce it earlier in the poem or provide more context for its inclusion. As it stands, the tower seems to come out of nowhere and its significance is unclear.

Overall, the poem effectively uses metaphor and imagery to depict a struggle for survival. With some adjustments to rhythm, rhyme, and clarity, it could be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Ruby Lord

1 year 8 months ago

This is excellent, musically

This is excellent, musically it reminds me of a childrens rhyme, possible because of the opening line: it's beautiful in terms of flow and your rhyming choices.
I agree with the Bot on the line, "Powdered wings, among other things" and I felt this could do with a rephrase to strengthen your imagery: Powdered wings, touch silken strings? Or play silken strings?
Well done, a great poem, Ruby :)

Candlewitch

1 year 8 months ago

wow Ruby!

I love your replacement suggestions! Beautiful!

*much respect, Cat

Geezer

1 year 8 months ago

Thank you...

I will agree that line should be "Powdered wings touch silken strings". Thanks for a great line. If I had meant the line about the tower to be plain, I wouldn't have couched it in metaphorical terms. P.M. me if you think you have figured it out.
Thanks for your kind words and the astute reasoning. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

1 year 8 months ago

dear Geezer,

your creative talents should be showcased on a broader media! you write spectacular poetry! I am stumped as to who this is about/subject matter?

*love, Cat

Geezer

1 year 8 months ago

You are also...

invited to speculate about who, what, when and why. I will give a clue or two to you, if you can't figure it out.
~ Geez.
.

Ruby Lord

1 year 8 months ago

PM'd you :)

Lavender

1 year 8 months ago

Tangling Web

Hi, Geezer,
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive." I can think of several spiders and moths that could make up this scenario, but only one who would survey from his tower. I may be completely off the mark, but I am curious and will check back after a few more comments.
Thank you!
L