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Stevo
Stevo
Dec 06, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Swat

She came to my room like I knew she would,
Buzzing around and up to no good...
I could hear her there but I just couldn’t see,
This nasty creature who was torturing me...

Another sleepless night for sure,
I was still awake at a quarter to four...
I begged her for mercy but wouldn’t you know it,
It’s not in her nature to ever show it...

Her shadow I saw on the wall by the curtain,
Just one thing to do, that much was for certain...
Only her death would end this fight,
I jumped out of bed and turned on the light...

I rolled up a paper and hunted her down,
But she saw me coming and twirled around...
She was fearless and fast and hard to control,
But I wouldn’t give up, ‘cause that’s how I roll...

I quietly waited for her to relax,
And then I began my relentless attacks...
I hit her hard and my aim was square,
Her body went limp on an old wooden chair...

“He wouldn’t hurt a fly,” I’ve heard it said,
But I felt no remorse as I got back into bed...
I ended her life and I’ll take the blame,
And if you were me, you’d have done the same...

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Cape Breton, Canada

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

neopoet

1 year 7 months ago

Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Swat" effectively captures the frustration and determination of dealing with an annoying insect. The use of rhyme and rhythm adds a playful tone to the poem. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.

First, consider expanding on the description of the insect. You mention that it is a "nasty creature," but it would be helpful to provide more specific details about its appearance or behavior. This would help the reader to better visualize the insect and understand why it is causing such annoyance.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from more vivid sensory details. For example, you mention hearing the insect buzzing and seeing its shadow, but what other sensations did you experience? Did you feel the breeze of its wings or notice any particular smells associated with the encounter? Including these details would enhance the reader's immersion in the poem.

Lastly, the poem ends abruptly with the speaker stating that they felt no remorse for killing the insect. While this adds a twist to the narrative, it would

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

RoseBlack

1 year 7 months ago

The struggle is real

Flies are relentless, bothersome creatures. I enjoyed the lightheartedness of your poem. Your battle with the fly made me laugh a little as I find myself fighting the same wars here. Your flow was smooth and easy for the reader to follow. Your use of descriptive language was also good as I could visualize the ongoing fight and of course, your victory in the end. Good job.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

1 year 7 months ago

Dear Stevo,

this was a rollicking good tale of a man with a mission! I snorted my coffee... LOL!

thanks for the cheer, Cat

Geezer

Geezer

1 year 7 months ago

I enjoyed...

the fight myself. The scenes provided [shadow on the wall by the curtain, and her body went limp on an old wooden chair],
gave it just enough of a visual. You did fairly well, with keeping the meter, but a couple of bobbles. I don't imagine that you will care enough about this one to go back and look at how you might smooth them out, but it looks like you might delete a few syllables here and there. ~ Geezer.
.