Triskelion

Dec 12, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Too Late

3am came late again,
my tongue feels like a root.
I thought about our summers past
of youth, now lost and destitute.

A glass of water woke my teeth.
My vocal cords were freed.
There grew three words from blossomed lips
"I miss you" fell like sterile seeds...

From cloudy thoughts dripped salted rain
my slippers shuffled through.
Yes, 3am came late again
when I remember you...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Taking a break from my regular writing, checking out the challenges. Any grammar, punctuation input is appreciated.

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Lake Simcoe Canada

Favorite Poets: Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel,

Comments

Candlewitch

1 year 7 months ago

hello, fair Lion

you asked for help, so I will give it a shot:

Too Late
Submitted by Triskelion on Tue, 2023-12-12 01:11

3am came late again( , )
My tongue feels like a root ( . )
I thought about the summer past
and youth, now lost and destitute ( . )

A glass of water woke my teeth
My vocal cords were freed ( . )
There grew three words from blossomed lips
"I miss you" fell like sterile seeds ( ... )

(And) once again, came salted rain (remove the word "And" as it is unnecessary and disrupts. Cap on Once)
My slippers shuffled through ( . )
Yes, 3am came late again
When I remember you (... remove period and add ellipses for what has not been said)

I hope I have helped. I liked the whole poem with its special rhythm. I think this is a unique and exquisite love poem. usually I quote my favorite lines back to the poet. But I think the whole piece is special and I would not break it apart for all the chocolates by Godiva!

*respectfully, Cat

Triskelion

1 year 7 months ago

Thank you, Cat..

..I'm so glad someone stepped up for the virtue of grammar and punctuation. I hope it catches on. Thank you for your input. I have edited as so.

Thomas

Lavender

1 year 7 months ago

Too Late

Hello, Thomas,
On the mark image of physical and emotional heartache - especially in the middle of the night when all things feel so intense. Lonely, yes. But much more the sensation of "alone." Silent and extremely tender.
Thank you,
L

Triskelion

1 year 7 months ago

Hi Lavender

Thank you again for reading and responding with your always friendly way.

Thomas

Geezer

1 year 7 months ago

I am impressed...

with the feeling of "aloneness" generated. I agree with the assessments that Cat has given you. ~ Geez.
.

Triskelion

1 year 7 months ago

Hi Geezer

All suggestions taken as prescribed! Thanks for reading and commenting.

Thomas

RoseBlack

1 year 7 months ago

3am

That awful time of night where you are alone with your thoughts and it raises hell with everything else. Good job on depicting that feeling of loneliness and longing for someone to be close to you. Good job

Triskelion

1 year 7 months ago

I guess...

...you know how it is, and maybe the best memories of the "who" it is will outlive the negative memories. Thanks for reading and commenting RoseBlack.

Thomas

Ruby Lord

1 year 7 months ago

The flow of your poem is

The flow of your poem is really good and I love the way you link things together to make real life metaphors.

I stumbled on this line: "and youth, now lost and destitute." and I have a suggestion to smooth it out a little?
'Lost youth now destitute.'
Ruby :) xx

Triskelion

1 year 7 months ago

Hi Ruby Lord

..and thanks for commenting. It would be helpful if you elaborated on your suggestion, as I'm not realizing the advantage. Is it a grammar issue, metre, syllable count? Any help is appreciated, thanks.

Thomas

Ruby Lord

1 year 7 months ago

Hi Thomas, I found the use of

Hi Thomas, I found the use of "and" twice in the line tripped me up a little and I thought this unnessecarily made it a little long? The syllable count on the first four lines are as follows, 5, 6, 8, 8.
I thought you could make it more precise perhaps, but it's your choice as the writer of the poem. Hope this helps, Ruby :) xx

Triskelion

1 year 6 months ago

Yes. Thank you!

That is a good call. I decided to rearrange that thought to make it more on point also. I hope that looks better. I couldn't let the syllable count go, though. Thanks again for catching that.

Thomas