lou

Apr 21, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Silent Observer (Co-write with Ziggy)

I am the silent observer
the mute intruder.
Trespassing upon conversations,
glimpsing expressions, glancing stare.

A fleeting mood,
lasting first impressions intrude.
Opportunistic eye catcher,
no words a silent smile, capturing you.

Transient, bypassing in-depth inspection
Skimming the surface, scanning your psyche,
nothing but a brief interlude.
Minimal interaction, self preservation, I conclude,

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: West London, GBR

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda , Jack Kerouac, Alan Ginsberg, D.H Lawrence, Jim Morrison's lyrics,

Comments

Candlewitch

14 years 3 months ago

Hello, Lady and Gent,

Your collaboration is as smooth as coffee and cream. A beautiful and intuitive blending result of the melding of two minds with one idea. You work well together, as evidenced here. my favorite lines:

A fleeting mood,
lasting first impressions intrude.
Opportunistic eye catcher,
no words a silent smile, capturing you.

but then, the ending lines are superb! I love the title and the content. It flows wonderfully and the language usage is flawless.

love, Cat

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Cat

I really enjoy writing with Ziggy, I'm really pleased that you enjoyed the result, I'm sure Zigs will be pleased to.

Much love Lou

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

Zigs & Lou

Zigs & Lou,

the theme is brilliant, the silent observer is a character that fits my novel and I could feel this person taking it all in from within the shadows.

It has a feel of 'Eddie Styx'.

I enjoyed the rhyme and I think I know who wrote each stanza...although they ran into each other seamlessly.

I kept tripping over my tongue with this line:

Opportunistic eye catcher

It just feels too complicated and too much of a tongue-twister for me.

Good quality write, you work well together.

regards,

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Dan

Zigs came up with basic theme, I contributed my ideas. I think your right about that line, I'll have a word with ziggy.

I'd be interested to see if you can pick which lines are mine and which belong to Zigs.

Glad that you enjoyed the poem.

Lou

ziggy

14 years 3 months ago

hi,

always a pleasure to co-write with you louise
"Opportunistic eye catcher, ,,,,mmm will think on it
catch up with ye all soon,,,,working long hard days
this weather ,,,,,,,,,,,,,zigs

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Zigs

Speak to you soon Bud.

Love Lou xx

Race_9togo

14 years 3 months ago

Hi Lou

Damn, but you and Ziggy write good collaborative poetry.

I really don't see anything I would change, and unlike Dan I like the "opportunistic" line. Interesting, how much preferences and opinions can vary.

There's a strength that I love in this write, an absolute certainty of poise and self confidence.

Way, way good, you two!

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Jim

I'm happy that you enjoyed our poem so much, not sure what to do about that line.

Lou

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 3 months ago

Ziggy & lou

This is impressive, I love how you bring out the characteristics of the silent observer.
So very well constructed.
bravo!

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Eddie

Thank you very much.

Lou

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Xena

Thanks xena

Love lou

ziggy

14 years 3 months ago

hi there all

cheers for the great feed back
this is going down better than I expected lol
Louise you made this write complete from a
couple of unfinished stanza I sent you so
thank you ,,,,,,,zigs

lou

14 years 3 months ago

Hey Zigs

Thanks, but you had a great frame work in place.

much love Louise xx