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Jan 10, 2024
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LUNATION
The glow of an luminescence shaped
eyeglass
observing rotating above submerged
but not
out shined by the unlighted cloak of
darkness
and ink canvas.Cotton coal clouds
passing
submerging, evolving, manifesting
into silhouette
shapes that seemed out lined traced
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
1 year 5 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "LUNATION" explores the theme of observation and transformation using vivid imagery. The use of descriptive language helps to create a visual experience for the reader. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be strengthened.
Firstly, the poem begins with the line "A Glow of an luminescence shaped eyeglass." While the intention behind this line may be to create a sense of intrigue, the phrasing feels a bit awkward. Consider revising it to make the meaning clearer and the language more fluid.
Additionally, the poem mentions "submerged but not outshined by the unlighted cloak of darkness." This phrase is intriguing, but it could benefit from further development or clarification. What does it mean for something to be submerged but not outshined? Expanding on this idea or providing more context would help to deepen the poem's meaning.
Lastly, the poem ends with the line "shapes that seemed traced." This line is somewhat ambiguous and may leave the
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
RoseBlack
1 year 5 months ago
Descriptive
I like the descriptive language in this and how it fits the moon so well. A little work with punctuation and capitals and this would be spectacular.
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
Thanks
My auto correct spelling likes making me work.
Candlewitch
1 year 5 months ago
Hello Jokerface,
I too, like your language and word choices. good luck on the contest!
*hugs, Cat
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
Thanks very much
Meens alot to me
Leslie
1 year 3 months ago
Jokerface82
Once again an exceptioal piece. The use of language, vocabulary was awesome. I wasn't getting it at first, but read it
several times and not only understood, but could see In detail what you were describing. My only suggestion would be to change the first line to read "The glow of a lumiinescent shaped eyeglass" but I could be wrong. Nonetheless great job.
Jokerface82
1 year 3 months ago
Thanks man
Much appreciated!