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Jokerface82
Jokerface82
Jan 14, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

STRIVING

STANDING FIRM the Mountain of chalk
stood protruding from his body were craggy
collective faces gawping judging, questioning

your purpose, looking down The White God
Spoke with a stentorian earth shattering voice
"WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM" ? YOU THINK

SCRAMBLING, ASCENDING ME WILL GET AWAY
FROM YOUR LITTLE PROBLEM? "GO TO THE
STREAM OF SLIDING MIRRORS EAST OF HERE"

"THERE YOU WILL FIND THE WHITE OWL NESTED,"
"HE HOLDS MANY SECRETS.. BUT ON THE WAY"
"THERE WILL BE CHALLENGES JUST AS IN LIFE."

GROW YOUR EYES THEN YOU WILL NOT
NEED TOO KEEP SEEKING THE WHITE OWL
JUST FOLLOW YOUR OWN MOONLIGHT.

ON YOUR TRAVELS YOU WILL COME ACROSS
A SERPENT A BROTHER OF YOURS, IT WILL BE
YOUR GREATEST CHALLENGE HE WILL NOT

BE DEFEATED BUT HALTED KEPT AWAY
HIS FORKED EVIL TOUNGUE UNTIL DEATH

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

1 year 5 months ago

Hello Jokerface...

Writing in all CAPS makes this piece glaring and hard to read! It also negated the desire of the reader to read the poem. Nobody wants to be yelled at! DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TELLING YOU?

I will come back later to see if you have amended the problem.

regards, Cat

Jokerface82

Jokerface82

1 year 5 months ago

Ok any ideas

Any ideas how to show the reader someone else is talking then ? or do you use he said, she said using pronouns ?

Geezer

Geezer

1 year 5 months ago

Quotation marks...

were made for the express purpose of showing who speaks. Funny that no one ever uses them, or exclamation points and question marks. Simple, effective ways to show who speaks, and special circumstances, such as surprise, and wonder. ~ Geez.
.

Geezer

Geezer

1 year 5 months ago

Ok, you have...

some errors in tenses and spelling.

Standed is NOT a word. I think you must mean Standing.

Pertuding should be lower-case and also is NOT a word, the proper word is protruding.

The White God, I kind of understand, but...the sentence is muddy, what do you mean?
Do you mean: Questioning your purpose, The White God spoke with a stentorian earth-shattering voice;
"What are you running from?" If that is the case, you should keep the ideas and lines together,
rather than spread them out over two or more sections.

Like the section before this, you should keep the main idea,
"You think scrambling ascending me will get away from your little problem?
Do you mean to climb your God? It also needs a comma between scrambling and ascending.

"Grow your eyes?" I'm not sure of how to express the thought.

It should be, " need [to], not also [too]

In your travels, NOT [on] your travels.

~ Geezer.
.