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WARNING
Spools of wavy tendrils in raven
Shouldered hair a smooth photogenic
face like a pebble caressed by the
silk mirrored stream. Eyes delightful,
vulnerable, beautiful spirals and walnut
choclate eyes with silky Beetle leg
lashers. Who knew she was a complete
Pyscho? five foot nothing full of hate neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest a punch
from the devil a cruel curve breaking her face
satisfied my soul drifting away into the next plain.
She took my fading light that never shined like
a beacon and the biting cold taking away
the heat disappearing like a tag team
on my soul
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Rough
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
1 year 5 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
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Candlewitch
1 year 5 months ago
LOL!
You caught me completely unawares!
*hugs, Cat
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
So pleased
Wanted you to lol
Geezer
1 year 5 months ago
Yes...
rough, but very understandable. I would use [in] instead of [of] and [black] in the line: "Spools of wavy tendrils in raven" I know that [raven] is a much more mysterious and darker word than black, but it does make the line smoother. I think that it would be a bit more readable if you kept the descriptive lines intact and not split them up just to make the lines look of equal length.
Spools of wavy tendrils in black shouldered hair,
a smooth photogenic face
like a pebble caressed by the mirrored stream
Her eyes were delightful
Vulnerable, beautiful [whirls] of chocolate and walnut - you have used spools already
with lashes of silky beetle-leg darkness
Who knew she was a complete pyscho?
Five foot nothing, full of hate and neglect
a kitchen handle wedged in my chest.
I was surprised too!
As always, use my suggestions, twist them, or just dump them, they are just my interpretation
of how your poem should read. ~ Geezer.
.
Leslie
1 year 5 months ago
Jokerface82
You remind me of Eric Bloom And Donald Buck Rosier. Dude for a poet you absolutely rock. Can't get enough!
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
Thank you
Thank you for the advice and for reading
MermaidMaster
1 year 5 months ago
beautifully written poem! i
beautifully written poem! i loved the plot twist at the end. very well done!
-MM
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
Thank you
There was a twist a bland handle
Tawny023
1 year 5 months ago
Definitely spun me for a loop
Definitely spun me for a loop. All I can say that sure escalated fast. Described perfectly Cruel to the bone wrapped in a pretty bow.
Jokerface82
1 year 5 months ago
Thank you
Yeah it needed a bit of spice.!