Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Mar 09, 2024
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Laotong
I try to look into my chest
And all I see is night,
A lack of what I think is best,
And void of all that's right.
I'm seeking a spark,
I'm seeking a heart,
And yet I have no sight.
You try to look into my chest
And there you see a light,
A presence of the good that's best,
A fire that's warm and bright.
You're seeing a spark,
You're seeing a heart,
And telling me your sight.
I try to look into your chest
And looking there, I see
A light that is better than best,
The same you saw in me.
I'm finding a spark,
I'm finding a heart,
And telling you what I see
Is all you ever wanted to be.
We look into each other's hearts
And slowly realize,
The only way we can see sparks
Is through each other's eyes.
And so I see that I can't see
Unless, my friend, you see for me.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Lǎotóng (老同) lit 'old sames' - A type of relationship in Chinese culture that bonded two girls together for eternity as kindred sisters.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Candlewitch
1 year 3 months ago
Dear Alaethia,
I like the idea of two girls reaching out to the other and forming the bond of a lifeline. I have a "sister" who lives in another country. We love each-other deeply. My favorite lines of your poem are:
We look into each other's hearts
And slowly realize,
The only way we can see sparks
Is through each other's eyes.
And so I see that I can't see
Unless, my friend, you see for me.
good luck on the contest!
*hugs, Cat
Alaethia D
1 year 3 months ago
That is wonderful
and I'm assuming you met this sister in another country over the internet? Perhaps not... that is how I and my Laotong met. I am glad you enjoyed and resonated with the poem. :) Thank you for commenting!
Lavender
1 year 3 months ago
Laotong
Hello, Alaethia,
What a beautiful word! "Kindred sisters." You've described a warm, positive bond and relationship which we all deserve. Lovely.
Thank you!
L
Alaethia D
1 year 3 months ago
Isn't it?
Sometimes I wish I could speak in a language which is all the beautiful words that are not English, with a few more powerful words from English thrown in, because words like "Laotong" and "Shinobinaku" always seem to have more meaning. Thank you for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed. :)