raj

Apr 26, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Before Dusk Settles

That fleeting moment
while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting

Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight

I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love

Before dusk settles
I sprinkle the sand
upon our rose beds

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Ian

thank you for the read and your comment...i have now disengaged the write from Haiku and the japanese touch too...and replaced when with while..hope it now sits well...

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Chrys

thanks for your appreciative comment..i got rid of the zone as suggested by you...hope it now sits well...

scribbler

14 years 2 months ago

hi

After our conversation, the only change I would suggest would be to rearrange !st stanza for better clarity. Something like :
Our parting is like
that fleeting moment
when the sun kisses the horizon

As usual this is only an alternative which can use or not at your discretion..........stan

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Stan

Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Stan

Thank you for the read and suggestion...i find it useful and have partially edited the first verse...keep sending your thoughts...they are most welcome..

loved

14 years 2 months ago

I RETURN

only to relish
what lovely poetry u write
haiku or not
be creative
lets' not stick on to the past,
lest we lose our entity
finally at last

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Loved

thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...

loved

14 years 2 months ago

I MUST ALSO thank you for twice commenting my comments hope u

shall too find time to advise
on two poems
one poem and one blogpoem

the tree and
to all poets here

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Loved

thank you for visiting this write and your comment..it is much appreciated...

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Lonnie

its a pleasure when you visit my page and leave an appreciative comment..thank you...

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 2 months ago

raj

Sun,horizon, shadows, twilight,, sand, castles, dusk and rosebeds. these are all wonderful words to use in such a beautiful and well constructed Poem
Good job!!

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Eddie..

thank you for your comment...good to know you liked the poem and word usage...

Candlewitch

14 years 2 months ago

Dear Raj,

What a lovely piece of work. A love poem without mush! My favorite lines are:

Shadows disappear
sooner than memories fade
into twilight

I gather the sand
of our footprints and castles
ingrained with our love

absolutely brilliant!
always, Cat

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Dear Cat

thank you for your time to visit this write ...good to know you liked it...

magics02

14 years 2 months ago

Speechless Raj

I can not tell you how I felt upon this read..left me with much thought and vision.

A great one here for sure

Love,Mona

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Dearest Mona..

it has been a while since you visited my page ...nice to know you liked this write ..hope all is fine now with your dad..

much love...

magics02

14 years 2 months ago

sorry ocean

No things not well by me or Dad but I remain steadfast in hope and strength.. Thanks for the note and be by soon Ocean..I miss that pen name..

Love and hugs to you
Ms Mona

raj

14 years 2 months ago

keep up that spirit Mona..

keep up that spirit Mona...may things turn around for the better soon...trust the goodness of your heart..

much love and hugs to you...

Dalton

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Raj

A lovely little poem. Reminded me of Khalil Gibran. ThanX for sharing

John

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Thanks John for that liberal

Thanks John for that liberal comment...i am just an amateur ...good to know though that you enjoyed this write..my pleasure always in sharing...

Nordic cloud

14 years 2 months ago

Loves rituals

This seems to have some lovely ritual in it, the sprinkling of sand before dusk in the rose bed.
How romantic and soft the petals of the roses are made by the presence of the sand in the bed.

Very nice Raj with my love Ann.

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Thank you Ann for your

Thank you Ann for your comment...the sprinkling of sand in the rose beds of course was intended to nourish the roses with profound love in that sand of footprints and castles of lovers...

much love..

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Dearest Shirl...

thank you for your appreciative comment...good to know you loved the essence of the write...

much love..

mand

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Raj

What can I say, it's all been said.

A stunning poem.

Love Mand xxxxxx

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Mand

Thank you Mand for the read and good to know you liked it...

much love...

Ayaz Warith

14 years 2 months ago

I loved the smoothness of

I loved the smoothness of this poem, not only in words but also in meaning. Very succinct and pregnant epitome of modern Indo-Japanese form. Thanks for sharing this lovely piece, Raj.
Regards
Ayaz

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Hi Ayaz

thanks for your time and appreciative comment..good to see you ...

warmly...

Dalton

14 years 2 months ago

First of all great piece. Also has a somewhat haikuesque feel to the three verses. Only crit: I would lose the word "Like" in the third line. But thats just me. Just semantics really. Great work and thanx for sharing.

John

raj

14 years 2 months ago

Thank you John for your

Thank you John for your comment...

good to know you liked it...always my pleasure to share my writes and learn from the comments and feed backs...hope your problem with toolbar have been resolved..

Rottiestyl

14 years 1 month ago

while Sun kisses the horizon

while Sun kisses the horizon
is like our parting

Talk about descriptive writing! You didn't just write words here, you painted a moving seduction.Sprinkling the sand from the lovers foot prints on the roses, just great writing! such a picturesque piece!

Kim
(V)