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KH
Kristen H.
Jun 11, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Intoxicating, Love

Stuck in your same ol' ways

Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death

Risking everyone's lives,
Including your own
Just to drive home to me

Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.

The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins off the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me

It's too much.

I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: USA - Georgia, USA

Favorite Poets: Lord Alfred Tennyson, Robert Frost, Allen Ginsberg, Walt Whitman , Misha Collins, John Donne

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

1 year 1 month ago

The placement...

of the lines seems a little bit off.
and I think that you might use that line "The smell alone could intoxicate me."
in a better place. How about:

Stuck in your same ol' ways
Smoking your lungs black
Drinking your liver to death

Risking everyone's lives
Including your own
Just to drive home to me

Sometimes...
I wish you wouldn't come home.

The weight
Of carrying you from the bathroom to our bed
Cleaning the remnants of your sins from the floor
Watching you hold on for your life
The smell alone could intoxicate me.

It's too much.

I can't stop you
I can't save you
And I can't unlove you...

Having had an alcoholic father and knowing a few others in my time, I can sympathize
and understand this poem readily. This is an honest look at the scourge of many a relationship. Good luck, ~ Geezer.
.

K

Kristen H.

1 year 1 month ago

I fully agree

I honestly didn't think about putting that line in a different place when I was editing, but that does flow much more smoothly. Thank you for your feedback, Geezer!

Geezer

Geezer

1 year ago

Always...

I try hard to be objective, and never to change what the poem says. My only purpose in commenting and critiquing, is to help the poet reach the reader. If ever, you think that whatever advice or critique is anything but honest opinion or changes the original meaning in any way, you let me know. Thank you for daring to share.
~ Geez.
.