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Jul 25, 2024
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Online Vs. Off-line Love
He's a peanut, she's a butter
Anyways they loved each other
Online, offline, it didn't matter
On tablets, they kept up the chatter
It could have lasted for a century
As long as they had tablets to carry
Big brother was there, no need to worry
But what to do when you marry?
Just then they felt the real threat
Thus got to unplug the internet
Gave their love a sincere reset
Found the bonds grew stronger .. I bet.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
11 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Online Vs. Off-line Love" presents an interesting exploration of modern love in the digital age. It uses the metaphor of "peanut" and "butter" to represent two individuals who are different yet complement each other, which is a creative approach. However, the metaphor could be further developed or explained to add depth to the poem.
The poem does a good job of maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme throughout, which gives it a rhythmic flow. However, it could benefit from more varied language and more vivid imagery to make the poem more engaging and evocative.
The shift in the third stanza, where the couple unplugs from the internet and finds their bond growing stronger, is a compelling turn in the narrative. However, the transition could be smoother, and the impact of this decision could be explored more deeply.
The line "Big brother was there, no need to worry" seems to reference surveillance or oversight, but it's not clear how this fits into the narrative of the poem. Clarifying this reference could strengthen the poem's overall coherence.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more exploration of the emotional experiences of the characters. Currently, the poem tells the story of the couple's relationship, but it doesn't delve deeply into how they feel about these experiences. Adding more emotional depth could make the poem more relatable and impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
11 months 1 week ago
Online vs Off-line Love
Hello, Rula,
Great first line that carried the fun mood throughout the entire poem, and enhanced that wonderful, hopeful ending! Nice angle of the contest image.
Thank you!
Lx
Rula
11 months ago
Dearest Lavender
Thank you for reading and commenting dear.
In fact this entire piece was completely inspired. I mean I have some thoughts about the image, and then I had a voice in my head for two nights that kept me with very little sleep.
I'm happy to know that you like it dear.
Much appreciate it.
Candlewitch
11 months ago
Dear Rula,
Great idea, making it a modern-day love story which spans the ages. I believe you have a sure-fire winner here...so please let me be the first to congratulate you on the win! mark my words, lol!
*hugs, Cat
ever, eddy styx
Rula
11 months ago
Dearest Cat
Your wishes mean a lot to me. Many good entries there including yours. What really counts is having the joy in writing and that has already been granted.
Thank you for supporting
Best to you as well dear.