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Trail
Trail
Jul 28, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 07/28/24 TO 08/03/24

(Read More...)

Hugs and forehead kisses

I'd peel your orange for you
Hold your hand when it comes for you
The phantom that crouches and hides
In the dark alleys of your brain

There's not much that can be said
Your tale is written across your face
One look into your eyes
And I knew your story
It's a sad tale, a heartbreaking tale
Full of anger and anguish
And a loneliness so vast
It could bridge the chasm between heaven and hell

This is how I know
You need a gentle love
An easy love that let's you breathe
Holds you close and soothes your soul
Like the gentle sound of falling rain
On a Saturday morning

I'd peel an orange for you
Hold you and kiss your forehead
I would sing you to sleep in my arms
Make you feel seen, loved and understood
A. SWANTALALA

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I wrote this poem for a girl I like who is living with BPD and chronic depression. At times she feels like she doesn't deserve to be loved because of her mental condition and the traumas she lived through in her childhood. This was my way of saying to her that she's worthy and that I want to be that guy for her. I hope you enjoy it.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Botswana

Favorite Poets: Charles Bukowski, Jim Harrison

More from this author

Comments

Trail

Trail

11 months ago

Words Ablaze

My favorite is the last line. "Make you feel seen, loved, understood."

Geezer

Geezer

11 months ago

Hello Trail...

Just my thoughts about the first few lines.
I think that you ought to establish the link between [it]and the [phantom] right away

I'd peel your orange for you
Hold your hand
When the phantom comes for you
The one that crouches and hides
In the dark alleys of your brain

Then, there is the line that says:
"There is not much that can be said"

I would opt for:
There is not much [to be] said.

All-in-all, a good poem about a love for someone who is dear to you.
Of course, you are welcome to use or dismiss any, or all of what I give you here.

Nicely done, ~ Geezer.
.

Trail

Trail

11 months ago

Geezer

I really love the" There's not much to be said" line. Fits more smoothly with the rest of the poem. Thank you for the suggestions. That's the only way we can grow as poets.

Lavender

Lavender

11 months ago

Hugs and Forehead Kisses

Hello, Trail,
I love all the gentle action here, without speaking. Except for the soothing singing mentioned, there is no noise or chatter, no overbearing advice - just comfort. And that's so important. It's actually very consoling just to sit here and read this. Beautiful.
Thank you!
L
(I believe "let's" should be "lets" - no apostrophe)

Trail

Trail

11 months ago

Lavender

As someone who deals with mental health issues myself, I know that mostly you just need someone to try and understand. Someone to just be there and show that they care.
You know I appreciate you right?

Leslie

Leslie

11 months ago

Trail

You always arrive at truth in such a beautiful way