Candlewitch

Sep 15, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the challenge:

09/24 Under the boardwalk

(Read More...)

Boardwalk Enchantment

She met him late
in the month of May,
at the lake shore
on a cloud dappled day.

Whistling while he strolled,
and skipping stones
on the glass like water
throwing them like divining bones.

Seeing her at rest,
on a blanket on the sand,
introducing himself
he took her by the hand.

Leading her to a special space
willingly she went along
with him under the boardwalk,
where he sang his mesmerizing song!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: *Vicki notepad

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

9 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "Boardwalk Enchantment," demonstrates a good use of rhyming and rhythm, which helps to create a sense of flow and movement. The imagery is also vivid, particularly in the lines "whistling while he strolled, / and skipping stones / on the glass-like water / throwing them like rolling bones." This effectively conveys the scene and the actions of the characters.

However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved. First, the transition from the third to the fourth stanza is abrupt. The reader is suddenly taken "under the boardwalk" without any clear indication of why or how this move occurs. Providing more detail or a smoother transition could help to maintain the narrative flow.

Second, the poem could benefit from more emotional depth. While the actions and setting are clearly described, the feelings of the characters are not. Adding more emotional descriptors or exploring the characters' internal states could add depth and complexity to the poem.

Lastly, the final line "where he sang his mesmerizing song!" is a bit vague. What kind of song is it? Why is it mesmerizing? Providing more specific details could make this line more impactful and meaningful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

9 months 1 week ago

Dear Cat

This is short and yet a sweet story... Apt title. Simple and to the point.
Like it.
Thank you for sharing this enjoyable read.
Best wishes

Candlewitch

9 months 1 week ago

Dear Rula,

Thank you for your supportive comments. I really appreciate your reading and commenting!

*hugs, Cat

Triskelion

9 months 1 week ago

Reads like..

...an intro to a lucid dream concerning a mer-man, Cat. Your tempo shows real improvement and your word choice makes for smooth, effective rhymes..I'll be watching this one!

Thomas

Candlewitch

9 months 1 week ago

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for your kind comments and interest in my poetry. I hope you will forgive me if eddy styx pops out on occasion.

*hugs, Cat, with huge amounts of respect.

Leslie

9 months 1 week ago