Timelessly Falling

Like wind-blown fallen leaves
I land at your feet.
The color of fading rust
of the dying day
waiting to be born anew tomorrow.
Yours is the face I see
when I first awaken,
it has been this way for many a year
and it is my hope for many more.
you are the breath of my life
residing forever within,
our souls are twin and timeless.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: from: Candlewitch notepad

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

10 months ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively employs natural imagery to convey a sense of deep connection and enduring love. The use of "wind-blown fallen leaves" and "the color of fading rust" creates a vivid picture in the reader's mind. However, the title does not seem to align with the content of the poem. It might be beneficial to consider a title that reflects the themes of nature, love, and timelessness presented in the poem.

The line "The color of fading rust of the dying day waiting to be born anew tomorrow" could benefit from some punctuation to improve readability. Consider breaking it up into smaller phrases or using commas to indicate pauses.

The phrase "you are the breath of my life" is a powerful metaphor that encapsulates the speaker's feelings for the subject of the poem. However, the phrase "our souls are twin and timeless" could be rephrased for clarity. The term "twin" could potentially be replaced with a term that better conveys the idea of two souls being inextricably linked.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. This could be achieved by adjusting the syllable count or stress pattern in each line.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Rula

10 months ago

Wow

Wonderful opening lines. Enough to get anyone the feeling of being enslaved to a true love source.
Wish you a happy life together many years to come

Candlewitch

10 months ago

Dear Rula,

Thank you! We have had 42+ years so far! we are happy with the other for the most part. The love is always there...

*hugs, Cat

Triskelion

10 months ago

Hate...

...is such a strong word...let me try to help you take that down..how about "Fall(ing) for You?"

Yes, I believe that your souls are "twin and timeless". I loved the lines "yours is the face I see, when I first awake it reminds me of an earlier time! Once more a great poem.

Candlewitch

9 months 2 weeks ago

Hello my friend,

Thank you for telling me of the lines you liked, and of course for reading!

major hugs, Cat