Neopoet Weekly 09/22/24 to 09/28/24 🏆 Winner

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THE WRATHFUL SEA

Her salted bludgeoning maw
swallowed vessels and galleys
with its green saline gullet of
ulcers
barnacles, and a throat full of oily
spots of acne sticky limpets

Treasures guarded by a circle
of sharks in an ocean restaurant
pinching crabs,
and swaying seaweed keeping naval
secrets.

A wave of wrathfulness, tossing
clubbing, floating ships, drowning
them into the abyss.
stripping seamen Into
skeletons with silent screams.

Supported by a howling killer
of a storm . Ripping, blowing holes
into arthritis wooden decks into oblivion
into the coldest dark depths.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Rough

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

Comments

neopoet

9 months ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem, "The Wrathful Sea", effectively employs vivid and imaginative language to portray the sea as a powerful and destructive force. The use of personification, such as "Her salted bludgeoning maw" and "Supported by a howling manipulating killing storm", adds a sense of character and personality to the sea, enhancing the overall impact of the poem.

However, there are areas where the poem could benefit from further refinement. The flow of the poem could be improved by paying more attention to the rhythm and meter. Some lines are noticeably longer than others, which can disrupt the reading experience.

The poem also contains a few typographical errors and unusual word choices which could be addressed. For instance, "barnickles" should be spelled "barnacles", and "arthritis wooden decks" is a somewhat confusing phrase.

The use of imagery is a strong point in this poem, but it could be further enhanced by focusing on consistency. For example, the poem starts with a focus on the sea's destructive power, but then introduces the image of a "restaurant circle of sharks". This phrase seems out of place and could be reworked to better fit the overall theme.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more clear and consistent use of punctuation. There are several lines that end without any punctuation, which can make the poem more difficult to read and understand.

In summary, while the poem has a strong concept and effective use of imagery, it could be improved by addressing issues related to rhythm, word choice, consistency of imagery, and punctuation.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

LilacsandLace

9 months ago

Powerful

"stripping seamen Into
skeletons with silent screams."

Truly, between the imagery and alliteration here, those two lines are quite powerful, as is the rest of this poem. It can be hard to put might such as that of the ocean into words but you have done that really well here. If I have any critique for this, it would for the "-ing" words in the final verse. Having that many in short succession I found threw off my reading a bit right before those last two lines hit with a punch. Otherwise, well-written!

Jokerface82

9 months ago

Thank you

I agree and will change it, thank you for your comment and praise

Triskelion

9 months ago

Saline gullet of ulcers...

Damn...that hits the spot! I've sailed in weather like that and I can think of no better description of some of the challenges on the open sea... outstanding!

Thomas