What is Life?

A billion stars that shine out
into the darkened night.
Rebuked the tears that fell down
these freckled cheeks of mine.

I waited for the morning,
to feel the bright sunshine.
Sometimes it would show up,
but often clouds raced by.

Reminding me of ups and downs
that could not be denied.
Emotionally in peril
I'd stumble to the ground.

Only then to rise again
to walk another mile.
To rest beneath a shady oak,
reflect on what was mine.

A beatific angel,
who offered the sublime.
Then vanquished all my childish fears
and filled my mind with light.

His gift was holy freedom
to liberate my mind.
To chose the path that I loved the most
and enter the divine!

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

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Comments

neopoet

9 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "What is Life?" presents a narrative journey through emotional struggle, resilience, and eventual liberation. The imagery is vivid and evocative, particularly in the first two stanzas where the celestial and weather metaphors effectively convey the speaker's fluctuating emotional state. However, the transition from the speaker's struggle to the intervention of the "beatific angel" could be more seamless. It might be beneficial to introduce the angel character earlier or provide more context to its sudden appearance.

The poem's rhythm and rhyme scheme are generally consistent, which aids in readability and flow. However, there are a few lines where the meter is slightly off, such as "Emotionally in peril / I'd stumble to the ground." Adjusting these lines could improve the poem's overall rhythm.

The theme of personal freedom and liberation is compelling, but the final stanza might benefit from further development. The concept of choosing one's path and entering the divine is introduced abruptly and might be more impactful if it was explored in more depth. The poem could also delve more into the process of how the speaker's mind was liberated and what this freedom means to them. This would add more emotional depth and complexity to the poem's conclusion.

Finally, the poem could benefit from more specific and unique imagery. While the images used are effective, they are somewhat common in poetry (e.g., stars, sunshine, clouds, a shady oak). Using more original or unexpected imagery could make the poem more memorable and distinctive.

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Lavender

9 months 2 weeks ago

What Is Life?

Hello, Leslie,
This is a good example of near rhyme (slant rhyme, half rhyme). And it works really well! I felt the trials of life along the way, and then the joyful energy in the last stanza. Very nice.
Thank you!
L