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Oct 04, 2024
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Unexpected Horror!
Summertime, on break we were fresh,
chores in the morning, after lunch
we contemplated what to do
after we had consumed our brunch.
My friend and roommate, Rosemary
and I decided to go out
maybe we'd go to the movies
her turn to choose, without a doubt.
I'd not seen a film in ages,
it surely had been a long time.
She would not tell me the title
keeping a secret was no crime.
Downtown, to the city we went
her eyes glittered with mystery,
not telling me what she had done
she'd slipped Acid into my tea!
Seating ourselves in mid-section,
the house lights dimmed completely now,
the film's start was innocuous
the Sweat collecting on my brow...
Rosemary began watching me cope
to see the changes on my face,
laughing and smirking for her prank
but it was to her big disgrace.
in our seats side-by-side we sat
she was not being very cool
grabbing my hand she squeezed it hard
drawing blood, she became the fool.
"The Exorcist" had her down flat
It started out with Linda Blair,
who in spewing pea soup, shocking
horrified me stuck to my chair.
But when she spun her head around
I withdrew my mind from the screen.
I heard someone scream from the shock,
film's end, we slowly left the scene
We were still high as air born kites
looking her in her bloodshot eyes
I growled low "I will kill you dead...
I spoke truth, she knew I'd not lie!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: notepad: more styx This really happened. I was unprepared for this experience!
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Unexpected Horror!" utilizes a narrative style to tell a story, which is a popular approach in poetry. The rhythm and rhyme scheme are consistent throughout, which helps to maintain a steady pace and flow. However, there are areas where the narrative could be clearer and the language more precise.
In the third stanza, the phrase "her eyes glittered with mistery" seems to be a misspelling of "mystery". Correcting this would enhance the overall quality of the poem.
In the sixth stanza, the phrase "grabbing my hand she squoze it hard" uses the word "squoze", which is not standard English. Consider revising this to "squeezed" or another appropriate verb.
The narrative could also benefit from more detailed descriptions. For example, the eighth stanza mentions the character Linda Blair and her actions in the movie "The Exorcist", but it doesn't provide much context or description. Expanding on this could help to create a more vivid and engaging narrative.
Finally, the poem's ending is quite abrupt. The final line, "I spoke true she knew not a lie", could be rephrased for clarity. It's unclear whether the speaker is saying that they were telling the truth, or that the other character didn't know they were lying. Clarifying this would help to provide a more satisfying conclusion to the poem.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
9 months 2 weeks ago
Unexpected horror! updated
I'm wonndering mildly if this was true? If it was I had something like it happen to me, but all I could do was walk away and learn to cope. The write itself was amazing I love your detailed descriptions. If you have the time read my newest called Eledgy! again you've written a great one! The whole damn poem was mystical and I must cofess I wanted your friend dead too!
Candlewitch
9 months 2 weeks ago
Dear Leslie,
This is a true poem, it really happened to me. I could not believe what I was seeing on the movie screen... under the acid, I was rendered unable to move. I was very angry when she admitted what she had done. I had nightmares for weeks after. My warning did not penetrate, but I learned not to trust her and verbally swat her like a fly! She was a very foolish young woman! Thank you for reading and commenting, my friend!
many hugs, Cat