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Oct 09, 2024
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DRIFTING CLOUDS
The sun rises a little earlier each day
And each day is brighter than the last
On evenings I walk out to see the sunset
And I walk back with a rested soul
I've tried to be more sincere with myself
To hold my own hand
As I walk through the darkness
To sing to myself once in a while
So that I can hear a voice
Of someone who loves me
It hasn't been an easy ride
But the clouds are coming back from the south now
And with each wave I get a feeling
That it's all going to be alright
I'm waiting for the first rains of the season
Hoping that just maybe
The heavy part of my soul
Will be washed clean
And I can smile again
Even if it's just for a while
I carry a weight in my heart
But when the breeze blows, I look up
I am stunned by the majesty of the clouds
And of the moon, and the stars
This, I think
Is how I survived for so long
A.Swantalala
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Summer is approaching for us in the southern hemisphere. For my country this also means clouds and rain. Nature features a lot in my poetry so this was bound to show.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "DRIFTING CLOUDS" beautifully captures the themes of hope, self-reflection, and finding solace in nature. The imagery of the sun rising, walking under the sunset, and waiting for the rains of the season creates a sense of renewal and optimism. The metaphor of clouds coming back from the south and the anticipation of the first rains symbolize a fresh start and cleansing of the soul.
The poem effectively conveys a journey of self-discovery and inner strength through moments of solitude and connection with nature. The contrast between darkness and light, heaviness and cleansing rain, adds depth to the emotional journey portrayed in the poem. The use of nature elements like clouds, moon, and stars enhances the overall atmosphere of contemplation and resilience.
To further enhance the impact of the poem, consider exploring more vivid sensory details to immerse the reader in the speaker's experience. Additionally, you may want to experiment with varying the rhythm or structure of the poem to create a more dynamic flow
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
9 months ago
Drifting Clouds
Hello, Trail,
"To sing to myself once in a while so that I can hear a voice of someone who loves me." So relatable as we've all had those moments. Beautiful, inspiring poetry. If any suggestion, it would be to trim it a bit, but I always feel as if you are speaking directly to me, your reader. So maybe not...
I hope your summer brings much love to you and yours.
Thank you!
L
Trail
9 months ago
Lavender
I thought about the length too, but I always have a hard time deciding what to leave out and leave the flow intact. But I'm glad it still came through like I intended. You always know exactly what to say to lift my spirits about my poetry. Thank you, sincerely.