Triskelion

Oct 12, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Untitled draft

She is a delicate presence
as thin as daylight
washed in the cool of morning

Her daily aspirations
stained by a shadow
streaking from beneath a single cloud

A cloud that follows her
and every yesterday

..a miscarriage
of some god's injustice

But, even so
she drives the want
that I have always known
The hunger of curls in the fog
perfumed by that field of lavender

I wander...
and when I breathe her in
she appears as a tiny goldfinch
then rises like the sun

All through the day she is up there
driving that little cloud
perhaps a shepherd
perhaps a prisoner
shackled to a moment of humility

then, night reveals the cosmos
...stillness abounds
where eons tick by in her dreams

Summer passes into fall
morning forms on beads of dew
clinging to the stalks of friendship
glittering like echoes of the night

She reaps the harvest
She feeds her sadness
The world turns white

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Atypical for me to post something so raw, but I'm curious about following any direction it takes. Made a change to "days and days on days"

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Lake Simcoe Canada

Favorite Poets: Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel,

Comments

Leslie

9 months 1 week ago

Triskelion

I don't completely understand this, but it is beautful to read. I like the idea of the goldfinch driving the little cloud? perhaps a shepherd, perhaps a prisoner. Shackled to a moment of humility! A great start and a great poem in and of itself!

Triskelion

9 months ago

Hi Leslie

Thank you for the nice words! It is true that the subject matter is fairly narrowly tailored in this one so I would expect that not everything would be understood. I'm hoping that the more I develop my style, the more coherent it becomes...problem there is getting others to expand their interpretive skillset to work harder...not an easy task in these days. Thanks again!

Thomas

Candlewitch

9 months 1 week ago

Dear Thomas,

your carefully sculpted words left me breathless! all of them! I agree with Leslie.

*in awe, Cat

Triskelion

9 months ago

You are so..

..generous with your comments, Cat, I sometimes feel I can finally stop trying to improve my poetry skills. Thank you so much for your inspiring words!

Thomas

Geezer

9 months 1 week ago

Sure sounds like...

a muse to me.
I recognize the want, the drive to make sense of the loneliness.

Yes, we all have our lonely moments, not only the shepherds, and the prisoners of
our humility. This piece has left me feeling that there is someone who understands that friendship can be harvested in the peace of winter and be reborn in the Spring.

At least that is my take on this. In any case, I love the sense of a peaceful waiting for the new growing season. ~ Geez.
.

Triskelion

9 months ago

Hi Geezer

...as usual, your comment carries a measure of wisdom many of us have come to expect. Thank you for reading and I hope, enjoying.

Cheers!
Thomas

MermaidMaster

9 months 1 week ago

Beautiful poem! I agree with

Beautiful poem! I agree with Cat wholeheartedly
-MM

Triskelion

9 months ago

I am happy...

..you enjoyed this collective thought. I do intend to edit these raw thoughts into a structured form, but I thought I would take a bit different approach and let other's comments guide me more than usual, so any input is appreciated. Thank you!

Thomas

Lavender

9 months 1 week ago

Untitled Draft

Hello, Triskelion,
Elegant. Graceful. For me, this speaks of those few seconds of pure bliss I sometimes feel, even though I realize they are transitory. "The hunger of curls in the fog" - truly strikes such emotion. I not only see the goldfinch, but I feel the warmth as it splendidly evolves into the sun. So lovely. The sad thing about feeling such genuine bliss is, of course, accepting the reality that it ends, and the last stanza of your poem brings it all together. This is how this evoking poetry makes me feel.
I wonder about "driving" and "shackled" in the seventh stanza - I understand the concept, but they appear a bit harsh poetically speaking.
I'll be back to read again.
Thank you for this uninhibited insight.
L

Triskelion

9 months ago

Hi Lavender

I'm glad you commented. I always look for your input and always inspiring comments. After considering your concern on that stanza, let me offer the following, lighter viewpoint. Perhaps it is more suitable.

"All through the day she is up there
calling that little cloud
perhaps in some reality
perhaps as a memory
tangled in seeming eternity"

I also offer some possible titles for any feedback from anyone who's watching...

Lavender Dreams
A Journey Begins
Harvesting Lavender
Mystery in Lavender

Lavender

9 months ago

Hello, Thomas!

"...perhaps as a memory tangled in seeming eternity." I really like that - just as imprisoned as "shackled" but in a more spiritual and transcendent sense rather than literal.

Two major thoughts stand out in this poem for me:
"The hunger of curls in the fog perfumed by that field of lavender." (I love that you used "that" instead of "a" or "the." Gives such a deeper feeling of belonging.)
And the more intense and revealing:
"...stillness abounds where eons tick by in her dreams." How wonderfully complex, almost breathtaking.
And with that, I would think the title would include something reflecting on her dreams - similar to "In Her Dreams" or the like. Just my thoughts.

Thanks for this beauty! It's a joy to study each word and wonder why it was chosen, what it brings to the poem as a whole, and the best part, how it makes the reader feel. I get thrilled with beautiful poetry, but... there it is.
L

Triskelion

8 months 2 weeks ago

Thank you Lavender

I am truly grateful for your critique. I am at a point near where I can post the structured version of this.

Thomas

Lavender

8 months 2 weeks ago

Hello, Thomas,

I look forward to reading!
L

Candlewitch

9 months ago

Dear Thomas,

I came back for another read to feed my spirit... very refreshing. How about: (Mystique of Lavender) for a title?

*hugs, Cat

Triskelion

9 months ago

Hi Cat!

That is a good suggestion for a title! I will keep it for further consideration. I'm glad you enjoy this piece so much. Your friendly disposition is much appreciated. Thank you again

Thomas