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Oct 16, 2024
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Ode to the women
Ode to the eldest daughter that tried with everything to please her mother that at the end, she was left with a stranger within herself, battling for ownership of her being.
Ode to the youngest daughter that was lost between being herself and being her oldest sister that sooner than later, she realized that neither did herself nor her older sister knew who they were.
Ode to the mother that tried everything to not be the mother to her daughters that her mother was to her. Of course she wouldn't realize that her own mother tried the same thing and there they were.
Ode to the grandmother laying on her final bed, at her resting place, insects feeding off from her body, giving them what they need, letting them take what they need from her.
Even in death, still the woman gives without complaint.
Even as a corpse with no name, with no face,
the sister, the mother, the grandmother,
still she gives.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses repetition and parallel structure to underscore the theme of self-sacrifice and self-erasure in the lives of the women it portrays. However, it could benefit from a more nuanced exploration of these characters and their experiences.
The poem's structure, an ode to each woman, provides a clear framework. However, the language and imagery used to describe each woman are somewhat vague and generalized. More specific details or anecdotes could help to differentiate each woman and make their struggles more tangible to the reader.
The poem's concluding lines, "Even in death, still the woman gives without complaint. / Even as a corpse with no name, with no face, / the sister, the mother, the grandmother, / still she gives," effectively convey the poem's central theme. However, the imagery of the woman as a nameless, faceless corpse could be seen as dehumanizing. If this is not the intended effect, it may be worth reconsidering this metaphor.
The poem's exploration of generational trauma is a powerful concept, but it is somewhat undermined by the lack of specificity in the descriptions of the women's experiences. More concrete examples of how each woman tries and fails to break the cycle of trauma could help to deepen this theme.
Lastly, the poem's syntax and punctuation are somewhat inconsistent, which can make it difficult to follow. Consistent use of punctuation and more varied sentence structures could improve the poem's readability and rhythm.
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