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Oct 18, 2024
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The Maddening Hell on Earth
I cringe at how it must feel
Drudging away peel by peel
The insensitive choice
To them with no voice
How dare you cut like a hot knife through butter
Paging through the mess, the clutter
Shall I recall the price you paid
To have them all laid
It's never how it actually ends
At The beginning the road bends
I don't want to care
This my cross to bare
Don't just stand there agape
Is there ever any escape
I cried once I think
Staring at the dirty dishes in the sink
You never forget the bloodied scream
Hugging onto your nightmarish dream
Sinful acts yet we claim to be pure
This very world kneeding at us like a dreaded whore with no cure
We laugh at its disgrace
Staring fear, faith and disfunction in the face
Who would contain it
Slippery bit by bit
It hurts she cried
Nobody listened as her eyes dried
Raped in the broad of day
Nothing but for the kitty to spay
Run away from here
The windows aren't clear, dagger or spear
Piercing right through this bodies rib
Caged in its very crib
I'll not need your breathing air
Put on a fancy dress and pin up your hair
We shall dance tonight
Shall I not think upon one's plight
This heart beckons
Shit. In life's reckons
Toss it all aside
The band wagon is a fair ride. Old chap take pride
She revolves around the sun
And insults each planet one by one
Shining stars, bruises with scars
I hate you, I've said that before
Fires burning inside its core
My dear friends close the door
Sleep must takes it course
I can't catch it through its remorse
Shut up or foolish one
Your idle chatter had made me numb
I count my blessings some
Let's drink to that a Coke and rum
Oh my bum seated on this icey bench
My fists with clench, oh but this stench
I shall deliver much a shiver. Blankets have we not,
hahaha hell will be hot
Fiery flames, gents and dames
All the same, called by name
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem presents a vivid, chaotic picture of despair and disillusionment, using a variety of metaphors and imagery. However, the narrative could benefit from more cohesion and clarity to enhance its overall impact.
The poem jumps from one image or idea to another with little connection or transition, which can make it difficult for readers to follow or understand the intended message. It might be beneficial to focus on a few key images or themes and develop them more fully throughout the poem.
The rhythm and meter of the poem are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow and make it harder for readers to engage with the poem. Establishing a more consistent rhythm or meter could enhance the poem's musicality and improve its readability.
The poem uses a variety of powerful and evocative images, such as "the hot knife through butter," "the bloodied scream," and "bruises with scars." However, some of these images are not fully developed or connected to the overall theme of the poem. Developing these images more fully and integrating them more effectively into the poem could enhance their impact and contribute to a more cohesive and compelling narrative.
The poem uses a variety of language registers, from colloquial ("Oh my bum seated on this icey bench") to more formal or poetic ("Shall I recall the price you paid"). This can create a sense of dissonance or inconsistency in the poem's voice. Establishing a more consistent voice could enhance the poem's coherence and impact.
The poem's use of rhyme is inconsistent, with some lines rhyming and others not. This can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder for readers to engage with it. Establishing a more consistent rhyme scheme could enhance the poem's musicality and improve its readability.
The poem's punctuation is also inconsistent, with some lines ending in full stops, others in commas, and others with no punctuation at all. This can make the poem difficult to read and understand. Using punctuation more consistently could improve the poem's readability and clarity.
The poem's ending, "All the same, called by name," is somewhat abrupt and does not provide a clear or satisfying conclusion to the poem. Developing a more effective ending could enhance the poem's overall impact and leave readers with a stronger impression.
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