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Oct 20, 2024
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If I was honest to God
Hi Dad
I'm tired, hurt and unable to focus,
I constantly overthink and always get a bonus,
A bonus of anxiety and sleeping in different poses,
As my room feels empty but is filled with a bag of doubts.
I feel alone dad, I need a sign,
A vision or a dream or a canvas of your design,
I desire a lot of your attention,
Like a little baby that cries for no reason.
Am I supposed to be perfect to be accepted,
Or is my voice not loud enough,
All I do is cry dad, I need some of your courage,
Because I am tired of feeling like a broken record that gets rejected.
I just need an ear Father,
A feather from an Angel is also a great answer,
I don't want to keep questioning my life's decision,
Like a soldier who has the skills but no mission.
Your word says that you are my God,
And also stipulates that I am your child,
But for once even a slap of realization would be enough,
So that I can know that I am perfect as I am.
About This Poem
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Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses the metaphor of a conversation with a higher power to express feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and self-doubt. The use of everyday language and simple rhyme schemes makes the poem accessible and relatable.
However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact. The phrase "sleeping in different poses" is a bit unclear. If it's meant to convey restlessness or insomnia, consider using more direct language to express this.
The line "Like a little baby that cries for no reason" could be reworked. Babies often cry for very specific reasons (hunger, discomfort, etc.), so this simile might not convey the intended meaning.
The phrase "a slap of realization" is a strong image, but it's introduced abruptly. Consider building up to this image more gradually to give it more impact.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. Instead of general statements like "I need some of your courage," consider what form that courage might take in the speaker's life. This could make the poem more vivid and emotionally resonant.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
9 months ago
Miracle...
I loved this one it was beautiful. We all need to feel loved, needed and accepted! My favorite lines were Lines 3&4 Second stanza. I look forward to reading more!
Lavender
9 months ago
If I Was Honest To God
Hello, Miracle,
Welcome to Neopoet!
An appropriate title for this very honest and genuine conversation. Heartfelt. I, too, look forward to reading more of your work.
Thank you!
Lavender