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Oct 23, 2024
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Crystal Mask
It's a crazy life
fate is so unfair
and this is how it began
all broken down
all torn apart
My heart is as strong as a Summer storm
it's a curse bestow upon me
this is my crystal mask
As I lift my wings of bitter sweet freedom
I hold the darkness of my heart in my hand
passed mistakes I have learned from
yet every forbidden falls into my fatal slumber
Wings of freedom release them from what they are
like the crystal mask that covers my face
all I want to bestow upon them is the purity of my heart
but the forbidden only see what my heart want they want to be
I want to show you love
I want to hold you until the sun comes up
take away your pain
I want to show you freedom
freedom of the heart
I want to show you freedom
but then you see pass my crystal mask
and slowly awake from your silent slumber
You see me, me, me
It is my curse
I met you
now I want to fill this empty heart
an empty heart, yet as strong as a Summer Storm
you see me, me, me
that is all you want to see
This is my curse
For my empty heart has forgotten what
lies behind this crystal mask
How do I put away my wings of freedom?
return light to my heart
remove the crystal mask
In doing so becoming me
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
8 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Crystal Mask" presents a strong emotional narrative, with the central metaphor of the 'crystal mask' effectively conveying a sense of hidden identity and emotional vulnerability. The repetition of phrases such as "I want to show you freedom" and "you see me, me, me" effectively emphasizes the speaker's desire for understanding and connection.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery and metaphor. For example, the 'wings of freedom' and the 'crystal mask' are introduced without much contextualization, which might make it difficult for readers to fully grasp their significance. It might be helpful to provide more details about these metaphors to make their meanings clearer.
Additionally, the poem's structure could be improved for better readability. The lack of punctuation and inconsistent line lengths can make the poem feel disjointed. Consider using punctuation to guide the reader through the poem and create a rhythm that complements the emotional intensity of the narrative.
Lastly, the poem's language tends to be abstract, with phrases like "the forbidden only see what my heart want they want to be" and "this is my curse". While these phrases convey strong emotions, they might be difficult for readers to understand. Consider using more concrete language and imagery to convey these complex emotional states.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
8 months 1 week ago
Hello Del,
in this line:
it's a curse (bestow) upon me .....use (bestowed) instead.
In this line: (passed) mistakes I have learned from.... use: (past)
Is this line missing a word?
yet every forbidden falls into my fatal slumber (every forbidden what?)
and this line lacks clarity:
but the forbidden only see what my heart want they want to be
I very much like your clever title! I think you have written a good poem, and with a little work it will be even better. my suggestions are just that. It is your poem and your decision on all suggestions.
*hugs, Cat