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A
Ashes17
Oct 23, 2024 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoet Weekly 10/19/24 to 10/26/24

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You Lived Then You Die

I've heard...
One day you will understand
And...
One day time will heal it all
Full ten years...
Gone and forever
And I'm still thinking, remembering, missing,crying
Desperately for only a minute
I'm not strong, I'm not healed, I bleed and I'm lonely
Everyday I miss and I'm numb, so numb
That everything around me
Doesn't make sense
I see movement everyday
Pain, is what I deserve
Because forever we promised
You were killed
And he was to strong
I ran...now I'm paying the bill
For leaving you and mommy
Fly big bro, fly mommy
The pain you felt,
I now face everyday and everyday I suffer
What I pay for not Savin you
You lived then you die
I live, dead inside and a zombie outside
Atleast your free
Until my day, I'm forever captive
For letting go of our lifetime promise
Go well my angels
Now you live forever and ever

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: South Africa

Favorite Poets: Me..

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

8 months 1 week ago

Dear Ashes,

The pain with which this piece was written, is so palpable that I feel it resoundingly! I take it that you have faced some terrible losses in your short life? Your brother and your mother? I am so very sorry for these terrible losses! I hope that you will continue writing out your anguish, for writing is cathartic. and welcome to Neopoet, you are very welcome here!

many hugs, Cat

A

Ashes17

8 months 1 week ago

Dear Cat

Dear Cat

Thank you for reading my poem and your right I did face terrible and terrible things happened to me. I'm now busy with my biography and I hope that my life obstacles can one day be the day why someone believes in a better tomorrow and the reason for them to strive for greatness.

Geezer

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

As Candlewitch...

has said, the loss of close relationships can color our whole lives. You write of this loss as though it were very recent. I'm sorry for your loss. Welcome to Neopoet. Oh, by the way, the [to] in the line "And he was [too] strong, needs another [o].
~ Geezer.
.

A

Ashes17

8 months 1 week ago

Hello Geezer

Hello Geezer

I totally agree with you and sorry that to was a typo lol because sometimes I type too fast without rechecking my work. The reason for that is I write from my pain and I what I feel in that moment and every word that comes to my mind, I don't wanna miss it but I highly appreciate you correcting me.

I definitely go through your work and comment on it.

Thank you
Hendrietta

Geezer

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

It happens...

to all of us, every now and then. Sometimes, we are just too close to whatever we have written, and when we have posted it,
find all manner of things like misspelled words, etc. Keep it up, you have a good start. Geezer.
.

Rula

Rula

8 months 1 week ago

Hello Ashes

A warm welcome to Neopoet.
I echo both Candle. sir Gee re the good writing and sorry for the big loss.
I don't want to be mean, but I got two more tiny typos that would hinder the smooth flow.
The line "Atleast your....
I think you wanted "At least you're.."
Other than that you are doing great for a first post.
Please feel free to read others and comment on their works.
Thank you for sharing.