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Oct 23, 2024
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SANKOFA
Freedoms melody : Echoing silence
With religion selling weapons as Bible
Echoes of forgotten languages
Barefoot on dusty roads, hollow bellies
We are nothing more than fugitives
Families shackled in poverty dark
Diverse, connected through content
Draped in traditional attire, unapologetic
Sharpville's ghosts still linger on
Freedoms promise : Coming soon to a ballot near you
Umuntu ngumuntu ngabamtu, we cry out in vain
Freedoms Promise: guaranteed ( for some )
All of us , nuances of expatriates and compatriots
Thina sindiswa, in this democratic land
Minds scarred , yet unbroken spirits
Wars weight, we resist, amidst scent of smoke and struggle
Sawubona, but who truly sees our faded flags?
Fractured relationships, love turns to pain
Mounting a production of "Freedoms Promise"
For the world not to see
OUR
Joy in harm
Ruins depths we dive
Seething, tears exhausted
As we reach our extinction of our being
Echoes lost in emptiness
Whispers in the wind
We sing songs of sorrow
A Freedoms Promise: the ultimate illusion
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses vivid imagery and emotive language to convey a strong sense of struggle, resistance, and disillusionment. The use of phrases such as "Freedoms melody: Echoing silence" and "Freedoms Promise: guaranteed (for some)" highlight the disparity between the ideal of freedom and the reality experienced by the subjects of the poem.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality and flow. The varying line lengths and irregular rhythm can make the poem feel disjointed and difficult to read.
The poem also uses a mix of languages, which can be effective in conveying a sense of cultural diversity and authenticity. However, it could potentially alienate readers who are not familiar with these languages. Providing translations or using more universally understood phrases could make the poem more accessible to a wider audience.
The poem's narrative could also be clarified. While the themes of struggle and disillusionment are clear, the specific circumstances or events being referred to are somewhat vague. Providing more concrete details or context could help the reader connect more deeply with the poem's message.
Lastly, the poem's ending could be strengthened. The final line, "A Freedoms Promise: the ultimate illusion," is a powerful statement, but it feels somewhat abrupt. Expanding on this idea or providing a more gradual lead-up to this conclusion could give the poem a more satisfying resolution.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact