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That Song
Arrived...
Two weeks after
In the car, I could hear you
Asking, " where is she, where is she?"
And I smiled and know immediately
That's me, he is looking for
His salt, his cotton, his sister
I got out of the car
See you running towards me as I ran towards you
" I missed you", you said
Sarcastically, I said, " you did", but my heart smiled
Because I did too
You took me by the hand,
You said, " come, come I have a supprise for you"
I followed
In our play room., you told me hoe you felt
When you woke and mommy told you,
" she went away for schoolholidays"
They knew that you wouldn't let me go,
Not ever, not without you
You asleep, was the only option they had
" you were gone, I cried and called your name
Out loud, hoping I'm in time but no
I heard a song the radio
And I missed you more"
You started singing, " yes it's better to say
You're okay, but I think about you
I hope you're okay, I going to miss, I will long
For you, before I forget, take care of my heart
Because you took it with you, I miss you"
I looked at you, very supprised
I knew you would miss me, but that much...
You made a deal, " promise me that you won't ever
Leave again, I made that promise
Knowing that I wanted too but now
I won't ever...
We played hide and seek and you told me,
" one day you will search for me and won't find me"
Years went by
Attacked in our house
Mommy’s brother, with an axe, really?
In your sleep, again
Deceived you but this time...
Killed you, uhhhhh
I got away
At the hospital they told me, " mommy is no more"
I cried, I did and they waited
Then, " what he did to your mother,...
He did to your brother"
No,no,no,no,no,no my brother, no,no
My world shattered before me in pieces
And there...
Was absolutely nothing, nothing
I could do,nothing.
In a blink of an eye, I failed you
I blamed me, I let you down
As salt and pepper, cotton and needle
We were suppoused to be together
Forever together, and now...
I'm here, no pepper, not a needle.
In the store, I walked in
On the radio, I heard
That Song, your song, my song, our song
Only difference is
You're not coming back, not ever
"I won't find you", right,
you were right
That Song
" take care of my heart Because you took it,
With you"
I still remain, optimistic
Hoping that I'll find you
Sitting somewhere, waiting for me
My life now, it's a miserable
Big lonely mess
And I literally don't feel a thing
I hate this life
I hate everything about it
Everything, there's no you in it
So there's no me in it
Salt and pepper, cotton and wool
After all...
That song
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "That Song" offers a poignant narrative about loss, longing, and the power of memory. It effectively uses dialogue and vivid imagery to create a sense of intimacy and emotional depth. However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved.
1. Consistency in Metaphor: The metaphors of 'salt and pepper' and 'cotton and needle' are used to symbolize the close relationship between the speaker and the person they lost. However, the metaphor changes from 'cotton and needle' to 'cotton and wool' at the end, which could potentially confuse readers. Consistency in metaphor usage would enhance the overall coherence of the poem.
2. Punctuation and Grammar: There are several instances where punctuation is missing or improperly used, which disrupts the flow of the poem. For example, "In our play room., you told me hoe you felt" could be revised to "In our playroom, you told me how you felt". Proper punctuation and grammar would improve the readability of the poem.
3. Structure: The poem appears to be one long stanza. Breaking it up into smaller stanzas could enhance its readability and allow for more effective pacing. This could also provide opportunities to create emphasis on certain lines or ideas.
4. Show, Don't Tell: The poem often tells the reader how the speaker is feeling, such as "I hate this life". Instead, consider using more descriptive language and imagery to show these emotions. This can create a more immersive and impactful reading experience.
5. Clarity: The narrative is somewhat difficult to follow, especially towards the end. Providing more context or explanation could help clarify the events and emotions being described.
In conclusion, while "That Song" effectively conveys a sense of longing and loss, improvements in metaphor consistency, punctuation and grammar, structure, showing versus telling, and clarity could enhance its overall impact.
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