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Oct 27, 2024
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BETWEEN TWO HEARTS
I remember a girl I never loved
And who never loved me
Oh, how beautiful she is
For her memory brings me
Neither pain nor joy
She wears a yellow sundress
Like it was made only for her
Seeing her like this makes it hard to remember
That I never really loved her
And she never loved me too
But then I remember a girl I did love
A girl I will love until the end of time
Lo, for the nights are long and empty
And in the chasm within my soul
There isn't even a single echo
I'm trying not to hold on
To anything in particular
But human hands were meant for holding
And human hearts for loving
A. Swantalala
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "BETWEEN TWO HEARTS" presents a contrast between two relationships, one unrequited and one deeply felt. The use of repetition in phrases such as "I never loved" and "she never loved me" effectively emphasizes the lack of emotional connection in the first relationship. The vivid imagery of the girl in the yellow sundress also helps to create a clear picture in the reader's mind.
However, the transition to the second relationship could be more seamless. The sudden shift from the girl in the yellow sundress to the girl the speaker truly loves can be a bit jarring. Consider using a transitional phrase or stanza to guide the reader from one relationship to the other.
In the second part of the poem, the speaker's deep love and longing are clear, but the imagery is less concrete than in the first part. To make this section as impactful as the first, consider incorporating more specific, tangible details about the second girl and the speaker's feelings for her.
Lastly, the final stanza introduces the idea that "human hands were meant for holding / And human hearts for loving". This is a powerful statement, but it feels somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. To integrate this idea more fully, consider weaving it into the narrative of the two relationships earlier in the poem. This could help to tie the entire piece together more cohesively.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
8 months 2 weeks ago
trail
"Human hands were meant for holding and human hearts for loving". Such beautiful thoughts from such a beautiful mind!
Trail
8 months 2 weeks ago
Leslie
Sometimes a thought comes by and I try my best to capture it and put it to paper. Thank you my friend