A peaceful point of view!

Shining towers
golden rings
jaded bracelets
special things

Given to the ones we love
on a special night

Flaming with desire we burn
with our sacred gifts return
To a special garden plot
making love forget me nots

The giving of eternal fire
our hearts were cool
they now perspire
Falling at each other's knees
we perform a rhapsody

Given time we will prevail
to build a ship and then set sail
The building of relationships
that bind us to each other's needs

If our motives were untrue
we’ll find the pain that God once knew
The tragedy of indolence
can never really recompense

The desire and hope
that we once knew
is bound up in the past
to view,
If our love is strong and true
we'll share a peaceful point of view!

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Need help with structure and punctuation.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Ogden, Utah, USA

Favorite Poets: Jon Anderson, Jon Ondrasik, Donald Fagen, Sting, Eric Bloom , and all of the poets at neo.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Rula

8 months 1 week ago

Hello sir

I like this. The title drew me in, and I am not disappointed.
I very much enjoyed the opening lines. As for the rest of the poem, I thought it can be two.poems rather than one. But that could be only me, so let's see what others might say.
The last two lines deliver the message pretty well.

Thank you for sharing.

Candlewitch

8 months 1 week ago

Dear Leslie,

much enjoyed the read. I agree with Rula on the two poems thing. You amaze me!

your friend, Cat

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

I would...

agree with both Cat and Rula, on the score of it could be two separate poems, but the flow of the whole thing is such that you have a very smooth transition from two ideas, and I would not change a thing. As to punctuation, I do believe that the lines are written in such style that more punctuation is not really necessary. Nice stuff, ~ Geez.
.

Leslie

8 months 1 week ago

SIR G., I AM S

SIR G., I AM S
O PLEASED THAT YOU ENJOYED THIS. I JUST SAT DOWN BREATHED DEEPLY AND SPAT IT OUT. I TRIED TO BE AS GENUINE AND CREATIVE AS I COULD.

Leslie

8 months 1 week ago

SIR G., I AM S

SIR G., I AM S
O PLEASED THAT YOU ENJOYED THIS. I JUST SAT DOWN BREATHED DEEPLY AND SPAT IT OUT. I TRIED TO BE AS GENUINE AND CREATIVE AS I COULD.