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Oct 30, 2024
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Like a drug.
Indeed my sweet, you are a drug,
Like the sun is to the earth,
Oxygen is to flesh,
And water to plants.
A yearning so profound i feel you embedded in my bones.
I am attracted to you like a moth,
Is to a flame.
The scorching heat does not burn as my love for you does.
The tingling of my fingers to have you in my grasp,
Is so deep that my soul stirs,
Into a black hole of longing.
How amusing.
My heart beats and yearns for you,
My consciousness is only filled by the wants of you,
What is it that you’ve fed me?
Was it the kisses?
The soft caress of your fingers against mine?
Or my body against yours?
Cause surely this coldness my body is enveloped in,
Can’t be your doing,
But dare i say again my beloved,
Indeed you are a drug,
A deadly one at that.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses metaphors and similes to convey the speaker's intense feelings of love and longing. The comparison of the beloved to a drug, the sun, oxygen, and water serves to emphasize the speaker's dependence on their beloved.
However, the poem could benefit from a clearer structure and more varied sentence lengths to enhance its rhythm and flow. For example, the lines "A yearning so profound i feel you embedded in my bones" and "The tingling of my fingers to have you in my grasp" are quite long and disrupt the rhythm established by the shorter lines that precede them.
In terms of imagery, the poem successfully creates vivid pictures in the reader's mind, such as the moth being attracted to a flame and the speaker's fingers tingling with longing. However, the image of the speaker's soul stirring "Into a black hole of longing" is somewhat confusing, as black holes are typically associated with destruction and death, not longing.
The poem also raises questions that it does not fully answer, such as "What is it that you’ve fed me?" and "Was it the kisses?" These questions could be developed further to provide more insight into the speaker's relationship with their beloved.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of capitalization and punctuation. For example, the 'i' in "i feel you embedded in my bones" and "indeed you are a drug" should be capitalized, and there should be a comma after "Cause surely" to separate it from the rest of the sentence.
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