Right…

Right…
I liked that, because he liked it.
But I found outing interesting,
Yet I found the world a bit lonelier than I remembered.
Right, I liked ice cream too,
But he went with me all the time,
And suddenly, the ice cream tasted bland,
My favourite flavour felt hollow.
How strange for something that used to feel so full.
Okay, maybe the park?
I liked strolling there,
When did the grass turn gray?
Did they cut down my favourite tree?
Right… we usually went to his “favourite” spot.
I always tried showing him mine,
But he always said I needed something “new.”
Right, maybe my best friend?
I called, she didn’t pick up.
Funny, because I knew why.
We fought over him,
And she was gone too.
Shopping? I used to love that.
Oh? My favourite store closed down?
They don’t sell my kind of hoodies anymore.
Right… we never did do shopping,
He found it “stressful.”
Right…
He messed everything up,
And I was blind,
Right…

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: South Africa

Favorite Poets: Hiraeth., His poems are breathtaking.

Comments

neopoet

8 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem titled "Right…" effectively uses repetition to emphasize the speaker's realization and acceptance of a relationship's negative impact on their life. The repeated use of "Right…" creates a rhythm and a sense of resignation, which adds to the overall tone of the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of imagery. For example, the lines "When did the grass turn gray? / Did they cut down my favourite tree?" are vivid and evocative, but such imagery is not consistently used throughout the poem. Including more of these descriptive elements could help to better convey the speaker's emotions and experiences.

Additionally, the poem's narrative could be clarified. While it's clear that the speaker's relationship has affected various aspects of their life, it's not always clear how these changes have occurred or why they're significant. Providing more context or detail could help to make the speaker's experiences more relatable and understandable to readers.

Finally, the poem's structure could be refined. The poem currently consists of a single stanza, which can make it difficult for readers to follow the speaker's train of thought. Breaking the poem into multiple stanzas could help to organize the speaker's thoughts and make the poem easier to read.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Nyiko

8 months 2 weeks ago

Thank you, I’ll take

Thank you, I’ll take everything said into consideration.

Candlewitch

8 months 2 weeks ago

hello,

He, sounds like a gigantic drag! I like your poem because I had a friend like this. She was always very negative. If I was happy about something, she would throw unhealthy aspersions at it. my favorite lines are:

Right… we usually went to his “favourite” spot.
I always tried showing him mine,
But he always said I needed something “new.

hugs, Cat