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Nov 04, 2024
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Ghost of us.
A dull ache pierced my soul,
As I watched him stare,
The television flickering, soulless.
That “us.” would have been sharing a couch,
And I’d busk in his warmth,
Snuggled beside him.
Actually, this was the longest
He had paid attention to it,
That “us.” would have been lost in each other,
As the television hummed in the background.
He would have peppered me with kisses
by now.
His grip on the remote tightened.
That “us.” would have fought for it,
Even as we knew we’d both end up watching the same thing.
I think it’s because I liked hearing him laugh.
It made my heart skip a beat,
my cheeks crimson.
But now, all I felt was the sting of pain,
And the wetness on my cheeks.
A sour chuckle left my throat,
And he stared at me.
Those blues—they looked dead.
That “me.” would have seen love in those eyes,
fascinated by me,
But now he loathed
the bane of my existence,
Where did that “us.” Go?
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses repetition to emphasize the contrast between the past and the present. The repeated phrase "That 'us.'" serves as a poignant reminder of a relationship that once was, and its absence in the present. The poem also uses sensory details to evoke strong emotions, such as "a dull ache pierced my soul" and "the wetness on my cheeks."
However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The line "the bane of my existence" is somewhat cliché and could be replaced with a more original expression. Additionally, the line "Those blues—they looked dead" is a bit unclear. If "blues" is referring to the person's eyes, it might be more effective to use a more direct description.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more consistency in its use of tense. The poem mostly uses past tense, but there are a few instances where present tense is used, such as "the television flickering, soulless" and "His grip on the remote tightened." Consistent use of tense would help to clearly differentiate between the past and the present.
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