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Nov 08, 2024
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Shattered Dreams
She had dreams,
Soft and sheer,
Lingerie whispers,
A future near.
Brilliant in class,
Gold star spark,
Now lost in shadows,
In a foreign dark.
No papers, no rights,
A life on the run,
Playing hide and seek,
With the law’s cruel gun.
Hopes are checks,
Bounced in despair,
Promises crumbled,
Nothing to wear.
Sketches now dust,
Threads left to fray,
Beauty once bright,
Fades day by day.
Police in alleys,
Home affairs’ glare,
She hides in silence,
Burdened by fear.
Once bold and bright,
Now shattered and cold,
A designer’s dream,
In chaos uncontrolled.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is my story...my life story.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Shattered Dreams" effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a story of loss, fear, and despair. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved to enhance its clarity and impact.
1. Consistency in Metaphor: The poem seems to mix several metaphors (e.g., "Lingerie whispers," "Gold star spark," "Playing hide and seek," "Hopes are checks"). While each of these metaphors is intriguing, they don't appear to connect to a central theme or image. It might be more effective to choose one metaphor and develop it throughout the poem.
2. Use of Abstract Language: The poem often resorts to abstract language ("A future near," "In a foreign dark," "Promises crumbled"). While these phrases evoke emotion, they could be more powerful if they were grounded in specific, concrete imagery. For example, instead of "In a foreign dark," the poem could describe the specific elements of this "dark" - is it a physical place? A state of mind?
3. Clarity of Story: The poem tells a story, but the details of this story are somewhat vague. It's clear that the subject of the poem is in a difficult situation, but it's not clear why or how she got there. Providing more specific details about the subject's situation could make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant.
4. Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem has a consistent ABAB rhyme scheme, which gives it a strong rhythm. However, some lines seem forced to fit this scheme, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. It might be beneficial to experiment with different rhyme schemes or free verse to allow for more natural language.
Overall, "Shattered Dreams" has a strong emotional core and some compelling imagery. With some revisions to enhance clarity and consistency, it could be even more powerful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
7 months 2 weeks ago
Hello Shantie M.
First of all a warm welcome to Neopoet's community.
Always great to have new poets/poetess on board.
As for your poem, I'm sorry to know that you've to go through all that chaos. Seems like you're facing a lot of troubles, financial ones if I got it right.
A very expressive piece.
Well done!