Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Nov 10, 2024
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
The Present of Presence
Many have failed to realize being present and being present are not the same
Your physical body can be in a space
But your heart and head's in a different game
Alike, being there and
Being there, for someone
Have quite different meanings too
Because you can be beside them
but providing support,
is something you find hard to do
You might see their pain, but never comprehend
The sea of pain they're going through
You might think being there is enough.
But their pain needs more than just-
showing up,
From you
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The Present of Presence" explores the theme of emotional presence versus physical presence, a concept that is both relatable and thought-provoking. The use of repetition and contrast in the lines "Many have failed to realize being present and being present are not the same" and "Alike, being there and / Being there, for someone / Have quite different meanings too" effectively emphasizes the central message.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The lines vary in length and syllable count, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For instance, the line "But your heart and head's in a different game" is longer than the surrounding lines, which can cause a jarring effect. Consider revising for a more consistent rhythm.
Additionally, the poem could delve deeper into the emotional aspect of the theme. While it does a good job of stating the difference between physical and emotional presence, it could further explore the impact of this difference on relationships, or the feelings of the person who is not fully present. This could add another layer of depth to the poem and make it more engaging for the reader.
Lastly, the use of punctuation is inconsistent. Some lines end with a comma, some with a period, and some with no punctuation at all. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and stops.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact