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Nov 20, 2024
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Intuition abandon me
Intuition abandon me
Finally
Today
But before
I had the intuition that
I never did enough for my Father
That was very bad
I never had prayed enough
Every night for my Father
Because I was always tired
So I just went straight to bed
To sleep
Suddenly now I started to feel guilty
And I know that is not a good thing
I know that I have to change
And make some time
For me to pray for my Father
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing Stage: Not actively editing
Comments
neopoet
7 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Intuition abandon me" explores the theme of guilt and regret, particularly in relation to familial relationships. The repetition of the phrase "for my Father" emphasizes the central role this figure plays in the speaker's life and their feelings of remorse.
However, the poem could benefit from more concrete imagery and metaphor. The abstract language used ("intuition," "guilty," "tired") could be replaced or supplemented with more specific, sensory details to make the emotional experience more vivid for the reader.
The structure of the poem, with its short lines and stanzas, creates a halting rhythm that could be seen to reflect the speaker's emotional turmoil. However, the poem might benefit from more variation in line length and stanza structure to create a more dynamic reading experience.
The poem's narrative could also be developed further. While the speaker's guilt and desire to change are clear, the reasons for these feelings and the nature of their relationship with their father remain vague. Providing more context or backstory could help the reader to better understand and engage with the speaker's emotional journey.
Finally, the poem's language is relatively simple and straightforward. While this can be effective in conveying direct, honest emotion, the poem might benefit from more varied and complex language to create a richer, more nuanced depiction of the speaker's feelings.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
7 months 4 weeks ago
Chackle
Welcome to Neopoet.
This is a community where we all look to improve and grow with our poetry.
Good first submission. I feel it's personal so not much can be said, but your last few lines tell that you're on the right track.
Wish you the best.
Looking forward to reading more from your quill.
Thank you for sharing.
Candlewitch
7 months 4 weeks ago
hello,
welcome to Neopoet, it is very nice to meet you! I shall be looking forward to reading more of your work...I agree with Rula's comment.
hugs, Cat