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Angels and Vampires...
I've heard Dr. Death a'knocking,
Knocking at my door
Go away, I'm going to say
Don't come back no more
Angels in the night
Vampires in the day
Graceful Shaq, got my back
Smiles left along the way
Mr. Beepy from long ago
Has made a reappearance
I think I'll get him this time
There'll be no interference
Best thing to do is listen
Before he starts to scream
I've pushed him out the window
Many times, in dreams
Some people try and fail
They never really live
Some give up too easy
They don't have much to give
But tomorrow I'm going home
Because I'm doing fine
I'm finishing this story
The one that's writ in rhyme.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is something that I have been writing while I was I the hospital. Now, I'm home and reintegrating into life, and can finally finish this up. ~ Geez. .
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Angels and Vampires" presents a narrative that is intriguing but somewhat difficult to follow due to its abstract imagery and the lack of a clear connection between the stanzas.
The poem starts with a strong opening stanza, introducing the character of "Dr. Death" and setting a tone of defiance. However, the transition to the next stanza, which introduces angels, vampires, and a character named "Graceful Shaq", is abrupt and lacks a clear connection to the preceding stanza. It could be beneficial to provide some context or a smoother transition to maintain the flow and coherence of the narrative.
The third stanza introduces another character, "Mr. Beepy", and the fourth stanza seems to describe the speaker's relationship with this character. However, the relationship between these characters and the overall narrative is unclear. Providing more context or explanation could help clarify the narrative and the roles of these characters.
The fifth stanza shifts to a more philosophical tone, discussing the themes of failure and giving up. While this stanza is thought-provoking, it seems somewhat disconnected from the rest of the poem. It might be beneficial to more clearly connect this stanza to the overall narrative or themes of the poem.
The final stanza suggests a resolution, with the speaker going home and finishing their story. However, the meaning of this resolution is unclear due to the abstract nature of the preceding stanzas. Providing more clarity or explanation could help make this resolution more satisfying and meaningful.
In terms of form, the poem uses a consistent rhyme scheme, which helps to create a rhythmic flow. However, the meter is inconsistent, which can disrupt this flow. Working on the meter could improve the poem's rhythm and musicality.
Overall, the poem has potential and presents some intriguing ideas and images. However, it could benefit from clearer connections between the stanzas, more context or explanation for the characters and narrative, and a more consistent meter.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
7 months 2 weeks ago
Sir
I'm happy you could overcome all those vampires.
I've been through the same more than once. I believe in God (Allah) therefore I'd say that He absolutely saved me. It's not yet the time, but I know that won't be always the case.
Be safe and have a quick recovery. These are my wishes for you.
Your RHYMES shine as ever.
But tomorrow I'm going home
Because I'm doing fine
I'm finishing this story
The one that's writ in rhyme
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
Thank you Rula, while I
Thank you Rula, while I understand that this piece may be hard to follow, it is mostly for the select few that have survived a bout in the hospital, and the staff at the hospital. I will refine it over the next few days and perhaps make it clearer for the average reader.
Candlewitch
7 months 2 weeks ago
Dearest Geezer,
I do not know what to say....except I have been worried about you and your absence on Neopoet. I have been lighting candles for you daily. I hope you are feeling better, now. I like your sassy poem. I did not know that you were in the hospital. I wish you a speedy recovery.
much affection, Cat and Unca Fezzers
Candlewitch
7 months 2 weeks ago
it sucks....
to be in the hospital, those blood draws feel like vampires are on staff and some nurses are very special and kind.
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
Thank you much...
Yeah, had a tough go at it, but managing to get back on track, going to be slow but I'll be here.
~ Geez.
.
Lavender
7 months 2 weeks ago
Angels and Vampires
Hello, Geezer,
You've been missed. I'm very grateful to see your return and hope that you continue to heal. Perfect title for such an experience. Glad it's behind you now!
Take good care!
Lx
If there is any suggestion I see, it's the last two lines of the fifth stanza:
change "give up too easy" to "gave up too easy" to keep the same tense as "didn't have much to give." It also keeps from repeating the exact same word so closely together.
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
Thank you...
Yes, I know it needs some work, but I wanted to post it for the staff of 5th floor Ellis Hosp. They will know every line and what it means. I passed out my cards in a shameless manner at the hospital and had some good conversations abouyt poetry and our site, many of them will be looking in on us. They are very busy and it will take some time, but I bet we get some good poets out of them. ~ Geez.
.
Lavender
7 months 2 weeks ago
Hello, Geezer,
That is wonderful!
Again, so grateful you are back and doing better.
L
Michael Anthony
7 months 2 weeks ago
Welcome back Mr. Geez. Hope
Welcome back Mr. Geez. Hope you are on the mend 'cause we need you here young man! Enjoyed your write, and could relate to much of it. Be well!
Best
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
Thank you Michael...
Yes, I am on the mend and should soon be cooking along on all four burners. ~ Geez.
.
Leslie
7 months 2 weeks ago
Sir G
I loved the title and get the hospital thoughts. I hope your recovery is smooth sailing for you. We all need you here, with your perserverance. Iloved the last lines and hopeful tenor of the entire poem. I'd like to know what Mr. Beepy is or means? In any event I am very happy to hear that you are feeling better, please feel free to p.m. me if you get feeling low.
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
When they...
are giving you intravenous fluids and drugs, there is usually an alarm that goes off as it gets empty. It goes "beep, beep, Beep, Beep, BEEP BEEP! It keeps increasing volume until someone attends to it. The nurses may all be busy, and it can be really aggravating to have to listen until they can shut it off. "Mr. Beepy from long ago, is the first time I was in the hospital, my body was sucking down the intravenous so fast, that they had a hard time keeping up with it, and I threatened to toss it out the window.
Thank you for the invitation to commiserate if need be. ~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
7 months 2 weeks ago
Welcome back
Glad to see you are on the mend and the vampires were unsuccessful in trying to whisk you away. Love the determination and fierceness displayed in your poem
Geezer
7 months 2 weeks ago
Yeah...
my sense of humor, and the interaction with the staff, made it possible to get out of there as soon as I did. I was shameless in passing out my Neopoet cards and had some very good responses to the information of the site. I'm sure that we may get at least one or two good poets from them. I'm not about to go anywhere yet, I've still got a lot of stuff to do. Thanlk you for the read and comments. ~ Geez.
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scribbler
7 months 2 weeks ago
Hi Guy
nothing like some time in a hospital to make a person appreciate "normal" life. Good to see you are back to as normal as yogurt lol......stan