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Nov 30, 2024
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Windy days!
Windy days are menacing
filled with wrath and scorn.
They're totally abandoned
just waiting for a storm.
A rain of retribution comes
for the things you've left undone.
Accused, but not acquitted
forgiveness never comes.
Nothing left to do or say
you’re life has come unspun.
Nothing you do ever seems to help
you're on your very own.
Life itself is suffering
learn to deal with it.
Generate some patience
and it might really fit.
You never know just how you’ll feel,
when the deluge comes.
Hopefully your heart
will be filled with love.
People who surround you
won’t cast you a dime.
They’ll deal with the consequence
when that time has come.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I did a rewrite on this piece. My hope is that you'll like it. I wrote it because of my situation.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Triskelion
7 months 1 week ago
Hi Leslie
I have great affinity for wind because it is a force of nature, although it can be destructive. I seem to remember days from my childhood when the wind affected me personally. I'm sure you do too.
I have not read many recent poems about it, so it's a treat to read yours.
Personally, I would use a different word than "empty" in the first line. Something like "ominous" or something that describes how large its presence is. Mostly because the next word "filled" is literally the opposite of "empty".
I hope you continue to work on this poem for the reason I wrote above.
Good luck!
Thomas
Leslie
7 months 1 week ago
Windy Days!
You are absolutely right I need to change that word and ominus is one good one. I'll work on this right now. Thank you for reading this, I didn't think anyone would read it.