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Dec 04, 2024
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To Be The Bride
I carry this cloth wrapped on my head
With a heavy burden of requirements and expectations.
At the crack of dawn, obtrusive yawning is released,
As I rise with the raucous roosters,
Appropriately dressed with my footlong dress
Matching with my doek.
Ready for my early morning workout,
My grass broom helps me sweep the yard squeaky clean;
Mother-in-law should see her reflection, no footprint should remain.
Should I ever forget when I secretly paint my nails and apply lip gloss,
She hints ever so subtly that,
While the world holds these neatly coloured patterns
On a pedestal, enamoured by the history,
Physical beauty holds no water in this bucket.
The less modernised and more submissive
I am, is the real beauty the elders see.
I don’t wear light or heavy make-up,
Or wear handbags that match my stiletto heels,
With instructions that come neatly wrapped
In a pink bow of patronising sweetness.
After a long day of chores,
I practise reticence during dinner conversations,
Looking forward to putting the crown away,
But not before dishwashing
And preparing late-night tea for the in-laws.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "To Be The Bride" presents a vivid depiction of the expectations and burdens placed on a bride in a traditional setting. The use of imagery, such as the "footlong dress" and "grass broom", effectively paints a picture of the protagonist's daily life, while the metaphor of the "crown" symbolizes the weight of her responsibilities.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its musicality. Currently, the lines vary significantly in length and syllable count, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with a more consistent structure could improve the overall reading experience.
In terms of content, the poem does a commendable job of exploring the theme of societal expectations and gender roles. The protagonist's struggle is palpable, and the poem effectively communicates the pressure she feels to conform to traditional norms. However, it could be interesting to delve deeper into her personal feelings and reactions to these expectations, to give the reader a more intimate understanding of her experience.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more careful use of punctuation. For instance, the line "While the world holds these neatly coloured patterns" seems to be a continuation of the previous sentence, but it's not immediately clear due to the preceding period. Ensuring that punctuation accurately reflects the intended sentence structure can greatly enhance clarity.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Leslie
6 months 3 weeks ago
To Be The Bride
Sounds somewhat Amish. I had a pennsylvania dutch acquaintaince. He was simple but beautiful in his own simplicity in life's hard way. I have a lot of material things, but nothing satisfises my desires like the basic things in life.
Juarez5656
6 months 2 weeks ago
Very interesting
cadence ands structure