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Dec 04, 2024
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The Great Dying
What am I supposed to do
When the butterflies are dying at this rate
They're littered across the field
Like leaves blown by an autumn wind
God, how beautiful they used to be
Flitting from flower to flower
Like children hopping among puddles
After a great summer rain
Well, there's a great dying coming
It's coming for all things, I suppose
Maybe they're just the first to go
And we'll follow soon after
I'm looking for the last shards of my hope
Trying to retrace my steps
To remember when I last had it
But my mind, is blank
The butterflies are dying in droves
The birds are feasting
They do not know that the great dying
Is coming for them too
A. SWANTALALA
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The Great Dying" effectively conveys a sense of loss and impending doom through the imagery of dying butterflies and the reflection on the beauty of nature fading away. The comparison between the butterflies and children adds a poignant layer to the poem, emphasizing the innocence and vulnerability of the natural world. The repetition of the phrase "the great dying" reinforces the theme of mortality and decay.
One suggestion for improvement could be to further explore the emotions and personal connection of the speaker to the dying butterflies. Delving deeper into the speaker's feelings of helplessness, grief, or nostalgia could enhance the emotional impact of the poem. Additionally, considering varying the structure or rhythm of the poem could create a more dynamic flow and engage the reader further.
Overall, the poem effectively captures a sense of melancholy and reflection on the fragility of life. Expanding on the emotional depth and experimenting with structure could further enhance the impact of the piece.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
6 months 3 weeks ago
The Great Dying
Hello, Trail,
Another profound poem. It burrows into the heart. Well written, excellent. I do wonder about butterflies "hopping." I understand the intent and concept, but since they don't truly hop, maybe another word that is more graceful to affirm their beauty? Also, then, you are not using the same word so closely together. This speaks and flows with elegance and sincerity.
Thank you!
L
Trail
6 months 3 weeks ago
Hey L
That was a great suggestion, I just made the edit. Somehow I had completely missed it. As always you're amazing. Thank you for the love
Lavender
6 months 2 weeks ago
Yes!
Really like the change! It's graceful, playful, with nice alliteration!
L
Leslie
6 months 3 weeks ago
trail
Once again you've amazed me with your written style. So much feeling and affect there. I attach myself to this beautiful write!
Trail
6 months 3 weeks ago
Leslie
We keep finding the magic in simple things, like butterflies flitting from flower to flower. Life doesn't have to be only about the pain we feel, it's also about these simple things that make each day beautiful.
I thank you my friend. Your words of encouragement have carried me through many a rough day.